Disclaimer: I do not know any of these people, I know nothing of their lives except rumour and gossip and this is entirely made up for my own enjoyment.
“I'm leaving you.”
“Jonna...” Ville started. They'd already been fighting for far too long but this still seemed to have come from nowhere.
“No, this is it! It's over,” she shouted. “I can't take it any more, it's just... this tour and...”
“Jonna, you've always known music is my life,” he sighed. “The band, this tour, it's important. I won't give that up.”
“Not for me, no.” She laughed bitterly and shook her head.
“What are you talking about?”
“There is someone, Ville, someone you'd even give up music for.”
“What? Jonna, I don't understand. I love you, you know that.”
“You love me, sure.” Her expression became sad and tired. “But you're not in love with me, baby. I'm not the one who has your heart.”
Before he could even absorb what she'd said, she was gone and he stared at the door in total confusion. “What the fuck does that mean?”
Sinking down onto his hotel bed, Ville lit up a cigarette and reached for the phone.
“Hello?”
Ville couldn't help a smile. “Hey Bammie.”
“Willa! Hey, what's up?”
“She left me.” There was complete silence for a very long, drawn out moment. “Bam?”
“I can't believe... is she insane? Shit, Ville, are you okay?”
“I don't know.” Ville took a long drag on his cigarette and exhaled noisily. “I really don't know.”
“I'm coming over.”
“Coming over? Bam, you can't just 'come over', you're in another State and you have a skate demo tomorrow morning.”
“I don't care, it's not that far.” Bam sounded odd and Ville frowned worriedly. “I'm coming over.”
“Okay.” He blinked and shook his head. It was strange but he'd hardly seemed to feel anything other than confusion when Jonna had walked out but Bam dropping everything to come and see him made his throat close up and his heart pound. “Thank you.”
“Hey, I love you man, like I'd do anything else.”
“I love you too Bammie. I'll see you.”
Bam hung up without saying goodbye which was fairly normal and Ville sat back against the headboard of his bed, finishing his cigarette quietly, staring down at his shoes.
@>*~
Three hours later, Ville woke from a light doze to pounding on his door. He stumbled out of bed and rubbed his eyes as he opened the door and found his arms full of skaterbrat. Bam's arms slid round his waist and held on tightly.
“Sweetheart, easy on the ribs,” Ville mumbled, petting his friend's head gently as the wonderful warmth he always felt around Bam filled his heart and soothed him immeasurably.
“Sorry,” Bam whispered, easing his grip slightly but not letting go. Instead he lifted Ville up and carried him back over to the bed, tumbling them both onto it. Things always felt so natural and easy with Ville he was able to forget sometimes that he was hopelessly in love with him. Unfortunately, now wasn't one of those times and Bam rolled onto his back so that Ville wouldn't feel anything he shouldn't.
Ville shifted onto his side and smiled down at softly concerned blue eyes. He quickly brushed unruly curls aside and stroked a thumb over his friend's forehead. “That was quick.”
“Took a private jet...” Bam saw the admonishment coming and shook his head. “Borrowed it, don't worry.”
“Actually borrowed, you know, with permission, or your kind of borrowing?” Ville asked, raising an eyebrow.
“I don't know, I fly all the way here as fast as I can to comfort my best friend and all he can do is rail me.” Bam sighed exagerratedly.
“Sorry.” Ville dropped his head onto Bam's chest and sighed as fingers wound into his hair. “I don't get it, you know?”
“Me neither,” Bam sighed. Why would anyone leave Ville? If he ever had a chance in hell with the older man, he'd grab on tight with both hands and never fucking let go. “I mean I know you were having some problems but...”
“It was out of nowhere, suddenly she just said she was leaving me, that I loved her but that I wasn't in love with her.”
“Well what the fuck does that mean?”
“I don't know,” Ville whispered. He lifted his head and stared quizzically at his friend. “Did it seem to you like I wasn't in love with her?”
Bam shrugged. “You'd already known each for a while when I met you, Ville, you've always seemed like a comfortable couple, you know?”
“Comfortable?” Ville pulled a face. “Well, no wonder she left me then.”
“Ah man I didn't mean it like that,” Bam sighed.
“I know how you meant it,” Ville said with a rueful smile. “She accused me of being in love with someone else.”
Bam's heart beat a little faster. “Are you?”
“I don't know, Bammie, that's the weird thing, I just don't know. Why would she say something like that?”
“Maybe you are.” Bam shrugged and started to stroke Ville's hair again trying not to feel worried. It had been hard enough seeing Ville get together with Jonna and she had always been there. If someone else came into the picture it would break him; really break him, he couldn't go through it again.
“Who though Bam? Have you noticed anything?” Ville sat up again and lit another cigarette. Bam sat up and leaned against him.
“No, I don't think so, I mean you treat us all the same way you always have, and there's been no one new in our circle of friends for a while. I know you, Ville, it would have to be someone close to you already for you to fall in love with them.” And that was nearly enough to make him cry- the thought that it must be someone he knew and loved- and he never cried. Not really.
Ville smiled. “You know me better than anyone.” He tipped his head so it rested on Bam's shoulder and then nearly choked on a lungful of smoke when everything suddenly became horrifyingly clear. He straightened up so abruptly that Bam half fell sideways with a small exclamation.
“Sorry, Bammie, you okay?”
“Sure. Are you?” Bam frowned, Ville's voice sounded funny, but then, he had just choked.
Ville nodded. “I think I need to get really, really drunk.”
“Minibar?”
“If you think I'm moving, you are very much mistaken,” Ville snorted.
“Thought so.” Bam laughed and got up to raid the minibar of every bit of alcohol he could find. He could feel Ville's gaze burning into him and he looked round curiously. His friend flushed lightly and shifted so he was lying sideways on the bed and looking away from him. With a small frown of confusion, Bam carried the bottles over the the bed and dumped them in front of Ville before he lay down opposite.
How could he not have known he was in love with Bam? And for so long! Ville felt so bad. For Bam, for himself but most especially for Jonna. How long had she known? How long had she watched the pair of them act more like a couple- he now realised- than he ever had with her?
“Willa? You really okay?” Bam frowned in concern.
“Um, I'm not sure actually.” Ville scrunched up his face for a moment, fighting a vague threat of tears. “Gimme some vodka.”
“Okay.” With a sigh, Bam unscrewed the lid on a half size bottle of vodka and handed it over. Ville took a massive swig and grimaced, grunting loudly.
“Jesus that's bad vodka!” Ville needed it though. He didn't want to think. Didn't want to think about how he'd hurt a lovely girl and wasted so many years for them both and how he'd fallen for his best friend who he could never have. He took another huge swig and Bam yanked the bottle out of his hand.
“Save some for me,” Bam said in answer to Ville's pathetic whine. He took a much smaller swig, gasping at the burn down his throat and handed the bottle back to Ville. Just for once he didn't want to get shitfaced with his best friend because Ville was the one who always ended up taking care of him when they were drunk and that wasn't why he was there. He was there for Ville.
Ville vaguely noticed that Bam wasn't drinking as much as he was as he worked through the vodka and then started on the Jack but he was too drunk by that point to make any coherent comment. He just rambled on about treating Jonna badly and what the fuck was he going to do with his stupid tattoo now.
“We'll get it removed,” Bam said softly, quashing the way his heart was rejoicing. The night Ville had got a J for Jonna tattooed on his finger had been the same night they'd both got N'idiots tattooed on their asses and it had completely ruined the moment of sharing and bonding he'd felt with Ville.
“Removed? When and how Bammie?” Ville slurred. “We're on tour remember?”
“Yeah well, I know a guy who knows a guy who can do it and it's on your way to Canada okay?”
“Really?” Ville blinked at Bam, slightly unfocused. “Thank you, baby, it's no wonder I love you.” He downed a huge swig of Jack and closed his eyes.
“What?” Bam stared unblinkingly at his friend. “What did you say?” He nudged his friend with his foot. “Ville, what the fuck did you just say to me?” Ville made a quiet whining noise and curled up, starting to snore lightly. Bam sat up, eyes wide, throat dry. It wasn't so much the 'I love you' that was messing with his head, they said that to each other all the time, it was the 'baby'.
What the fuck? Not once, ever, had Ville called him baby, not in any context. He couldn't even remember a teasing 'oh you poor baby'.
He shook his head and lay back, lighting one of Ville's cigarettes even though he was supposed to have given up. He couldn't make anything of it. Ville was drunk and probably more upset than he'd let on it was just a slip that was all, nothing real, nothing to pin his hopes on.
“Fuck.” He sat up and rubbed his stinging eyes. He was definitely not going to cry over it. Getting up, he went into the bathroom and splashed his face, taking a deep breath. So what did he do now? He couldn't leave, Ville still needed him and the other guys would be really pissed if he left without saying hello to any of them. He stood in the bathroom doorway for a long time just staring at the long, lanky form of his best friend. Why the fuck did things have to be so complicated?
In the end, he took off his sneakers and jeans and crawled into the other bed to try and get some sleep. He'd probably still have to try and make the skate demo in the morning so he'd need the rest.
@>*~
The first thing Ville noticed when he woke up was the lack of warm body next to his. He pried open his eyes and looked round. He and Bam always ended up sharing a bed when they got drunk and he always woke up first, so where the hell was Bam?
He sat up, groaning quietly as pain pierced his head for a second. Then he looked round and frowned. Bam was asleep in the other bed. Why was he in the other bed? Struggling to stand, he made his way to the bathroom and quickly took a piss, washed his hands and then brushed the taste of dog's ass from his mouth.
Feeling vaguely more human, he popped a couple of painkillers with a large glass of water and went to contemplate Bam, who was still asleep.
He was beautiful. Ville had always thought so, he just hadn't realised why before. Hadn't realised that warm blue eyes pierced him straight through the heart every single time they met his because he was in love. How stupid was he? How many heart-wrenching love songs had he written over the years and he hadn't seen what was right in front of him.
Of course mostly, he wished he was still ignorant of his feelings, at least when he hadn't known, he hadn't known that it was never going to happen.
He retreated back into the bathroom, tears pricking forcefully behind his eyes and he closed the door before the first sob tore itself out of his lungs.
@>*~
“Huh?” Bam sat up a little dazedly. “Ville?” He glanced round, taking in the empty bed in surprise. Then he heard it again. A strange choking noise. “Shit.” He ransacked Ville's bag quickly and found his inhaler before running into the bathroom where he found Ville curled up on the floor sobbing and wheezing.
Bam pulled him up into his arms and held on tightly. “Easy, Willa, calm down, please,” he whispered. “Try to calm down.”
Ville started to laugh as well as cry and Bam started to panic just a little as his breathing got worse. He stroked his friend's hair and face and looked him right in the eye.
“For me, Ville, please?” he said softly. “You need to calm down so you can take your medicine.”
It was almost ironic, here Bam was holding him in his arms, the unknowing cause of his pain, desperately trying to help. Ville nodded but it was hard trying to calm down when he could barely take a shallow breath, let alone a deep one. He bit down hard on his lip to control his hysterics and held out his hand for his inhaler. Bam passed it to him quickly and Ville managed to suck down a couple of shots.
Holding the older man close as he started to breathe normally again, Bam felt the knot of panic loosen in his chest and he breathed in deeply. He knew Ville had been more hurt by Jonna leaving than he'd admitted and he thanked God he hadn't left the night before. Ville had been pretty far gone and the thought of what could have happened...
Ville clasped onto his friend in surprise when he felt the hot slickness of tears trickling down the back of his neck. Bam never cried.
“Bammie?” He eased the younger man back to try and look at his face, but Bam kept turning away. “Bam! Look at me, what's wrong?”
“You could have... you could have died, Ville, I nearly left last night, what would have happened?” Bam crumbled over his friend and clutched at his shirt.
“You nearly left?” Ville frowned. What the hell had happened for Bam to nearly leave and then sleep in the spare bed? “Why?”
Bam bit his lip, he couldn't tell him the truth, didn't have the strength to hear Ville apologise and say he hadn't meant it. “Just cos, you know, you passed out and I still have the demo...”
“Don't lie to me.” Ville sat up straighter, hurt and a little angry that Bam would lie to him because he knew full well that Ville could always tell when he was lying.
“Fuck,” Bam whispered.
A horrible thought occurred and Ville backed up against the wall. “Did I... did I say something... do something I shouldn't have?”
“No!” Bam winced at his too fast reply and Ville's raised eyebrow.
“Tell me the truth, Bam,” Ville whispered sorrowfully, hoping he hadn't managed to push away his best friend. “I must have done something for you to nearly leave.”
“You didn't do anything, Ville,” Bam sighed. “It's me, okay?” He stood up and walked out of the bathroom. “Shit, I should just go.”
“Please don't, Bam.” Ville frowned. He was too hungover to try and make sense of what was going on. All he knew was that Bam was not himself and he was pretty sure he was the cause and it broke his heart. “Don't be another person I love to walk out that door on me.”
“Oh God, Ville, that's not fair,” Bam rubbed his eyes to stop them from stinging again. “She was your girlfriend, it's different. I know how upset you are that she's gone okay? You don't have to try and hide it from me.”
“It's not different,” Ville muttered.
“What?” Bam swung round, completely confused now.
“What did I do, Bam, tell me, please.”
“You said you loved me and called me baby,” Bam whispered, completely unable to meet shining green eyes.
“Oh God, I'm so sorry,” Ville breathed. “I didn't mean...”
Bam couldn't hear it. “I know! Don't say it, okay? I know and I can handle that if you don't say it.” He bit back a sob and turned away again realising what he'd just said. “I know you're hurt over Jonna and you miss her and you know you can give her a call, talk to her, I'm sure it'll work out...”
Ville barely heard the babble, he was too stunned by what his best friend had said and not entirely sure he understood it, especially hungover and with Bam rambling on about nothing. “Shut up!”
Shocked, Bam stopped talking and hunched his shoulders, looking round hesitantly. Ville must have realised what he'd said and would probably want an explanation.
“If I told you I meant it...” Bam started to interrupt but Ville glared at him until he stopped and listened. “If I meant it, but didn't mean to say it out loud, can you handle that?”
Bam swallowed hard. He nodded.
“You didn't sleep on the other bed because you were upset with me for saying it?”
“Not exactly,” Bam sighed.
“What does that mean?” Ville asked worriedly. It felt like he was treading on very thin ice here and he still had no real idea if he'd understood Bam correctly or if he was about to ruin his most precious friendship.
“I was...” Bam took a deep breath. “I was upset because I couldn't allow myself to hope that you meant it.”
“Why not?”
“Rebound and drunk were two words that came to mind,” Bam said with a bitter laugh.
“Not rebound Bammie, drunk and stupid maybe but definitely not rebound.” Ville shook his head sadly. “I love you, I really do and I may have only just realised last night quite how much I love you, but I am in love with you.”
Bam squeezed his eyes shut and started to shake. “No but, you were crying... over Jonna.”
“Over you,” Ville whispered, reaching out hopefully. “I was crying over you because I thought I could never have you.”
Bam started to laugh again, tears flowing down his cheeks. “Now you know how I've felt for the past five years, Ville.” He took the older man's hand and let himself be pulled down onto his lap. Ville wrapped his arms round him tightly.
“Do you love me?” Ville asked softly.
“Are you a fricking idiot? Yes, I love you,” Bam sniffed and swatted the back of Ville's head gently. “I've been in love with you practically from the day we met.”
“God our timing sucks doesn't it?” Ville sighed. Bam snorted and buried his face in his neck, nodding against him. “I don't want you to go,” he whispered desperately.
“You really think I want to go?” Bam looked up in disbelief.
“Of course not.” Ville cupped his friend's face gently and wiped a tear track with his thumb. “I just... I missed you so much when we were apart before, what's it going to be like now?”
“Pure heartache and torture,” Bam whispered.
“God, Bam, I'm sorry,” Ville said realising that Bam had already been through years of this. He leaned in and brushed his lips over Bam's mouth, barely touching him. He didn't want to start anything they couldn't finish.
Moaning quietly, Ville's brief, soft touch almost too much for him after years of longing, Bam kissed him back quick and hard and got up out of his lap, turning away to pull his jeans on hurriedly. Ville watched him, feeling a little dazed and it had nothing to do with his hangover.
“When do you have to go?”
Bam checked his watch and sighed. “In about half an hour.”
“Enough time for breakfast?” Ville asked hopefully. Bam smiled at him and his heart expanded.
“Hell yes.” He pulled Ville up from the bed and kissed him, slow and soft, exploring Ville's mouth thoroughly so he had something to get him through the lonely nights to come. The older man whimpered quietly and clutched at him, tongue sliding over his, lips nibbling softly. “God,” he gasped, pulling back to drop his forehead onto Ville's chest.
Taking a deep breath, Ville nodded. “Yeah.” He tilted Bam's head up and smiled down at him. “I love you.”
Bam smiled back joyfully. “I love you too. Now feed me.”
Ville chuckled. “Yes love.”