He could hear the music already, the last song of the set, Ville's voice permeating the air and diffusing through his soul. Round the back of the club, the doorman greeted him with a smile, letting him straight inside. He wasn't due to be there, but all the clubs HIM played at in Helsinki knew him and he wandered straight through the back to the side of the stage, sitting down with a happy sigh to watch his lover.
They'd only seen each other for one frantic, hot and heartbreaking weekend and one incredibly hot night in the past three months, their schedules clashing horrendously and he was dying to get his husband alone.
Ville owned the stage the way he always did, hypnotising the audience with his voice, his eyes and body, his full lips all pouty round the end of a cigarette...
Blinking, Bam shot to his feet, the stool clattering to the floor behind him drawing Linde's attention. Blue eyes widened in surprise and guilt and the guitarist walked hurriedly over to Ville, nudging him. Glancing over, his husband's mouth dropped open, cigarette falling to the floor.
Bam glared, hands rising to his hips, eyebrows lowering over his eyes as sheer horrified fury built up in him. His lover managed to finish the song then turned to him again. Bam lifted a hand and crooked a finger beckoning him over. Swallowing visibly, Ville shuffled off the stage towards him.
“I wasn't expecting you,” Ville said softly, eyes devouring him, hand reaching out for him.
“That much is blatantly obvious,” he snapped, taking his husband's hand and dragging him away from the stage before turning and pulling him close. “I should punch you, you stupid fuck! What the hell were you thinking?” His arms slipped round Ville's neck, pulling him closer.
“Darling, I'm sorry, I...” Ville's hands clutched at his hips, bodies pressing together tightly. Their need to be close, to touch, to reconnect moved them instinctively despite Bam's anger and his husband's guilt. He leaned up to kiss Ville desperately hard, ignoring the dull, ashen taste of smoke in his need for the movement of lips over his, the stroke of tongue in his mouth.
“Oh fuck baby,” he groaned. “Why? Why would you do something so stupid?”
Sighing, Ville cupped his cheek and kissed him again, softly, reverently. “I was really nervous at a gig a couple of months ago, and I was missing you so badly, hadn't seen you in weeks, Jyrrki offered me a cigarette. I didn't even think about it, I just took one.”
“You just took one? Fuck baby! You're asthmatic, it shouldn't have even crossed your mind.”
“It doesn't affect my asthma that much.”
“How do you know?”
“Because...” Ville sighed again. “I used to smoke, when we used to go drinking when I was a kid, and then in Oulu, I couldn't drink, so I smoked more. It wasn't till West Chester that I stopped.” Ville looked down, lips pressing together tightly. “Couldn't afford it.”
“A couple of months.”
“What?” Ville looked up again with a questioning frown.
“You said it was a couple of months ago, were you ever planning on telling me?”
“Darling of course! I just... I was putting it off because I knew you'd be mad.”
Bam frowned. “I'm not mad, I'm fucking furious baby. I swear, I thought I was the one who did stupid idiotic things.”
“Don't say that,” Ville gasped.
“Why not?” Bam shook his head, leaning up again to rest his forehead against his lover's. “Baby, this is the most...” He sighed, kissing Ville softly. “Why would you do this to yourself?”
“Sweetheart, you do not do stupid things okay? Please, you know I hate it when you say things like that.” Ville gently stroked his hair back. “I know I shouldn't, I know but it helps.”
“I don't accept that Ville,” Bam shook his head tearfully. “That's such a bullshit excuse. How can it help? What can it possibly help?”
Arms wrapping tightly round him, Ville sighed heavily. “It's soothing somehow, gives me something to focus on when I'm on stage. I need something in my hand to stop it shaking, need something to put in my mouth to settle my nerves. I'd bitten my nails, chewed through pens, I was drinking so much water on stage I nearly peed my pants.”
“And that makes endangering your health okay?” Bam exclaimed.
“Oh and skating doesn't endanger...”
“Don't you fucking dare, you patronising prick!” Bam's temper exploded and he shoved Ville back, even though it hurt desperately to do it. “Don't you dare compare soothing nerves with my life's passion.”
“I thought I was your life's passion,” Ville said softly.
“No baby, you are my reason for living, the reason I can follow my life's passion. And you're threatening both.” Tears choked his throat and he backed away from his husband's reach. “No don't, I can't... I just can't talk to you right now, I'm too mad.”
“Can I at least touch you?” Ville asked, face crumpling.
“No.” He shook his head vehemently.
“Sweetheart,” Ville said pleadingly, reaching out to him again.
“Stop it,” Bam snapped, feeling his distress starting to overwhelm his anger. “I want to be mad at you, don't make me forgive you for this, not yet.”
“I don't want to make you do anything but I can't cope if you don't at least let me hold you. Please Bam, let me hold you.”
“Damn it.” Clenching his jaw, he tried to hold back his tears. "Damn you, how do you do this?” He stumbled forward again into his lover's arms, starting to cry quietly. “I know I'm overreacting a bit but baby, I love you more than life, I can't lose you.”
“I'm sorry sweetheart, I'm so sorry.” Ville held him close, arm curling round his head, clutching him tightly. “I missed you so much my dearest love,” he whispered.
“I missed you too,” he sighed, clinging to his lover, breathing in deep for control.
“Can I kiss you?”
“No.”
“Bam...”
“You taste like shit, baby.”
“Bam!” Ville sounded hurt and Bam nearly smiled, feeling a little vindictive.
“Well you do.”
“Darling, please,” Ville whispered, kissing his forehead. “I'll start carrying around mouthwash or something, just let me kiss you.”
Bam sighed. He couldn't help forgiving his lover no matter how much he hated the idea of him smoking and he needed to kiss Ville desperately. “I'd rather you gave up,” he said softly.
“I'll try.”
Sticking a hand in his pocket, he found some gum to give his husband as Mikko came up and wrapped his arms round them both.
“So, you told him you smoke then.”