The Funeral

Ville's voice woke him, their wedding song he'd made into an mp3 to download onto his cell for his husband's personalised ringtone. Yawning, Bam answered.

"Hey baby, you're calling early," he said quietly, pushing himself off the bed to head for the bathroom. There was no reply. He frowned, he could hear Ville's breath hitching and he started to worry.

"Ville, what is it? What's wrong?"

"Bam," Ville whispered. "Oh God Bam, m-my Mom, she-"

"Oh no," Bam gasped, throat closing off as tears sprang to his eyes. "Ville..."

"She's gone," Ville said, starting to cry. "She's gone Bam."

"Oh baby, I'm so sorry," Bam said. "I'll come right home."

"No," Ville said with a quiet sob. "I've, I'm already booked on flights to Philadelphia."

"Honey," Bam sighed, tears flowing silently. "I wish I was with you."

"I need you Bam."

"I know." Bam walked back to the desk to grab the hotel complimentary notepad and pen. "Give me your flight details baby, I'll try and get there when you do."

@>*~

After a heartbreaking conversation with his husband which had mostly consisted of him trying to console Ville, Bam had pushed aside his own grief and his pain for his husband to organise flights and inform his manager that he'd need personal time.

He'd flown to London as he'd been lucky enough to get a seat on the same connecting flight to Philly that Ville was booked on, upgrading his husband to first class at the same time so they'd be able to have a little more privacy than in coach.

Now he was just waiting for Ville's flight from Helsinki to get in so he could see him, hold him, just love him. Sitting at the gate, he watched streams of people pass by until he finally spotted his lover's tall, thin frame and long, dark hair. He stood up, heart clenching with desperate love and need.

"Ville," he called out. The older man froze, head snapping up and eyes widening in shock. Bam smiled softly, lifting his arms and beckoning. Running over, Ville dropped his bag and wrapped himself round him.

"Oh Bam, oh my Bam, my love," he breathed, burying his face in his neck and bursting into tears. Sliding his arms round his lover, he hugged him tightly, stroking his hair and neck gently.

"I'm here honey," he whispered, holding on desperately. Sniffing loudly, Ville pulled back slightly. His eyes were reddened and puffy, skin pale and blotchy, nose running, tears flowing and yet he was still the most beautiful man Bam had ever seen.

"Thank you sweetheart, thank you for being here."

"I wouldn't be anywhere else baby," Bam said softly, pulling the sleeve of his shirt over his palm to dab his lover's cheeks and gently wipe his nose. "You know that."

"Yeah." Ville caught his hand and kissed his fingers. "I'm so glad you're here, I've missed you, needed you."

"I know baby, I know. I'm here for as long as you need me."

"Darling, I always need you," Ville whispered, bending his head to kiss him gently, mouth moving slowly over his, tongue swiping over the crease of his lips. Groaning quietly, Bam ruthlessly quashed his everpresent desire for his husband and kissed him back softly, clutching his face gently in both hands before easing back to look at him.

"I love you Ville."

"I love you too darling."

"Come on, let's sit down." He led the older man to the seats, carrying his bag for him and they sat down, holding hands tightly. He pulled Ville over to lean against him, stroking his hair and kissing his temple. He had no idea what to say, Annie's death had hit him hard but he couldn't imagine what his beloved husband was going through.

"I spoke to Ape and Phil," he said softly. "We're going to stay with them rather than at the mansion."

"That'll be nice," Ville said, breath still hitching.

"Linde and Migé can stay at the mansion," he continued. "They will be coming right?"

"Yeah." Ville turned his head and buried his face in his neck, sniffing quietly.

"Honey, have you got your inhaler handy?"

"Yes love."

"Use it please, you sound congested."

"Okay." Ville sat up, digging in his pocket and sucking down a shot.

"Have you slept at all?"

"Not really."

Sighing, Bam wrapped his arm round his husband and pulled him closer again, kissing his temple. "Maybe you can sleep on the plane honey."

"I don't think so," Ville whispered. "I'm not tired."

"No baby, you're exhausted." He swallowed hard, forcing himself not to cry, to concentrate on caring for his devastated husband.

Sighing quietly, Ville rubbed his nose gently under his ear. "I don't want to sleep," he said. "I just want you."

"I'm here for you baby, you know that."

"Don't leave me," Ville whispered, breath hitching.

Chest constricting painfully, he hugged his lover tightly, clutching at him urgently. "Not now, not ever," he whispered. "I love you, I belong to you."

"You're mine."

"Yes."

"You're all I have," Ville sobbed, hot tears splashing onto his neck.

"That's not true," Bam said firmly. "You have friends who love you, family who love you."

"I know," Ville sighed, kissing his cheek and pulling back a little to look at him sadly. "But sometimes you're all that matters."

"Oh baby," he whispered. "I know, it's the same for me. You are everything to me Ville."

"I love you my darling, I belong to you too."

Reaching up he stroked his lover's cheek gently. "Ville," he murmured. "I love you. I'm here for you, okay?"

"Yeah."

"I want you to try and get some sleep on the flight." Ville shook his head but Bam caught his chin and met his gaze seriously. "Baby, you need to sleep, please? I'll only worry more."

"You don't play fair Bam," Ville sighed. "I can try, I just don't know if I can right now."

"How about you take one of my meds?"

"Is that a good idea?"

"Normally, probably not, but I'm not going to be using them baby, it might help you feel better."

"Maybe." Ville buried his face in his neck again, holding him close until the flight was called.

@>*~

Sitting next to each other in the large comfy chairs of first class, Bam pushed up the armrest and drew his lover back against his chest, wrapping his arms round him. He handed him a bottle of water and one of his Xanax.

"Please take it baby."

"I... okay my love," Ville sighed, swallowing the pill with a gulp of water.

"Thank you." He kissed his husband's cheek gently. "Just relax baby, I won't let go of you."

"Promise?"

"I promise." He nuzzled his lover's long, dark hair and stroked his chest soothingly. When he felt Ville's breathing slow to sleep, he pulled his mp3 player from his bag, sticking in his headphones and drowning himself in his husband's voice. He closed his eyes and let himself drift.

@>*~

Bam woke slowly in a haze of desire and need.

"Mmm, baby," he murmured, smiling softly as his lover's mouth latched onto his neck, sucking gently while his hand rubbed his hardening cock through his pants.

"Want you Bam," Ville whispered. "I want to fuck you."

"Yes," he gasped, rocking up into his lover's touch. He opened his eyes and froze.

"Bam?"

"Um." While he adored having sex in public, he was used to being a little more prepared and awake and being aware of his surroundings. "Baby? What are you doing?" He glanced quickly around, sighing in relief when it looked like no one had noticed. The lights had been dimmed and there was a blanket on the armrest next to the aisle.

"Mmm, Bam, I need you my darling." He unzipped him, pulling his pants open, reaching in to grip his cock, stroking tightly.

"Fuck," Bam breathed, arching up against his husband as Ville moved up to nuzzle his cheek then take his mouth in a hard, passionate kiss. He'd been without his lover too long, had missed him, wanted him, needed him too much for too long to stop him. He couldn't help clutching Ville closer, reaching between them to pull open his jeans.

"Want to fuck you," Ville muttered, grunting and rocking into his touch.

"Yeah baby," he whispered. "Yes, need you inside me, need your beautiful dick stretching me wide, sliding deep." Ville jerked against him, cock pulsing in his hand.

"Lube Bam," he hissed, letting go of his cock and yanking his pants down round his thighs. Biting back a loud groan, Bam reached down to his bag for the ever present lube as his lover pulled his legs up over his hip and slightly to his side. Ville's cock pressed across his ass and he groaned, quickly squeezing gel onto his hand and reaching down to stroke it over his lover's dick. He was so ready, so needy, felt so empty.

"Baby, just grab that blanket behind you," he whispered.

"Why?" Ville breathed, rocking into his hand.

"So we're a little less obvious."

"Oh. Okay." Ville kissed him then twisted round, grabbing the blanket and spreading it over their lower bodies. His lack of concern was slightly worrying but then, the older man suddenly moved, cock pushing into him hard and deep and everything except pure pleasure left his mind and he had to force himself to bite back a scream. Ville moaned against his mouth and kissed him again, grasping his hip tightly as he rocked back and thrust forward even deeper.

Bam whimpered, need burning through his nerves desperately, cock jerking and leaking as his lover just fucked him, not making the slightest effort to be careful or quiet, stroking into his body, hard and fast. Holding tight, kissing Ville urgently, he reached down, wrapping his fist round his dick and jacking himself hard and tight. It was so good, felt so fucking amazing to be full of his lover again, Ville pounding into his ass, thrusting against his prostate with every stroke.

"Fuck," he gasped, lightning bolts of pleasure jolting through his body, ass clenching tightly as the tension built in his gut, balls aching with the need to come. "Harder baby."

"Yeah Bam," Ville whispered, breath harsh against his mouth as he fucked him harder. "Feel so good, so fucking tight. I love how hot you are darling, I love fucking you, tasting you, watching you jack yourself till you come all round me."

"Oh God," Bam moaned, starting to shake, pleasure beginning to overwhelm him. "Oh fuck Ville."

"Yes love, come for me, let me see you come for me," Ville breathed, dotting his mouth with soft kisses.

Biting back a scream, he arched up into a hard thrust and twisted his hand over the head of his cock. Pleasure exploded through his body and he shot, hot and wet over his hand and stomach, clamping down round his lover's thick cock.

"So beautiful," Ville whispered, shuddering against him, heat filling him. "Oh Bam, oh God Bam." He buried his face in his neck and started to cry.

"Ah honey," he sighed, wrapping his arms round his lover and kissing his hair gently.

"I'm sorry," Ville sobbed quietly.

"Don't be baby, I'm here for you," he whispered, stroking his back gently, holding him till he calmed and his breathing slowed right down again into sleep. Shifting carefully, Bam eased Ville back enough for his softened cock to slip out of him completely. He tucked Ville away, wiped himself up and pulled his own pants up before easing his husband back into his arms and holding him close, adjusting the blanket over them both.

He had no idea what had been going through Ville's head to fuck him so recklessly. He didn't mind, he'd loved it but he was worried. Usually Ville was the more careful one, he had to wonder if it was grief or the Xanax that had affected him. Sorrow and pain weighing heavily on his heart, he just held his husband in his arms, stroking his fingertips slowly up and down his spine.

@>*~

Ville jerked against him, jolting him out of his doze.

"Bam!"

"Easy baby," he murmured, stroking his lover's hair. "I'm here, I've got you."

Sighing heavily, Ville lifted his head. "Sorry my love, I didn't..." He stopped and sighed again.

"It's okay baby, how are you feeling?"

"I don't know." Ville stared sadly at him. "A little numb."

"Are you hungry?"

"No."

"You need to eat baby."

"I don't feel like it," Ville almost snapped, sitting up.

"Ape's going to feed you up you know."

"I know." Ville shook his head and stood. "I'm just going to the bathroom."

"Okay." While he waited, he put away his mp3 player and sat up a bit straighter, yawning and rubbing his eyes.

"Bam?" Ville said quietly as he sat back down.

"Yeah baby?" He shifted to pull his lover back into his arms.

"Did we have sex?"

"Yes baby." He frowned in confusion. "Don't you remember?"

"I thought I was dreaming," Ville whispered. "We were so careless, Bam, why didn't you stop me?"

"Baby, you needed me," he said softly, stroking his lover's hair.

"What about what you needed?" Ville sounded a little pained and he sighed.

"Oh baby, I always need you, you know that. Ville, I love you and I need to give you what you need."

Ville clung to him tighter. "I don't know what I'd do without you, Bam. I love you so much."

"I know baby, I know," he whispered. "I love you too. Just let me take care of you."

"Just hold me my love."

"Forever, Ville," he said, gently kissing his husband's cheek.

@>*~

When they landed at Philadelphia, they grabbed their carry-on bags, heading straight out to the arrivals hall. Neither of them had nor needed anymore luggage. Spotting his parents, he steered his husband towards them.

"My boys," Ape said, wrapping them both in a tight hug. "I'm glad you're here." She kissed Bam's cheek and let him go, holding onto Ville and drawing him towards the exit. "Come on sweetheart, let's get you home."

He blinked after them and glanced at his father, raising an eyebrow.

"Come on Bam," Phil said quietly, wrapping an arm round his shoulders to follow after Ape and Ville. "This hit your Mom pretty hard and she's worried about Ville."

"Yeah I guess."

"How are you holding up?"

"Me?" He blinked. "I'm just worried about Ville. I don't know what to say to him, how to make him feel better."

"You're not going to be able to make him feel better Bam," Phil said softly. "You just have to be there for him."

"I know, I just can't stand seeing him like this Dad, it fucking hurts to see him like this."

"I know son, I know." Phil squeezed him gently and they caught up with Ape and Ville at the car. Kissing her cheek, Ville detached himself from her embrace and wrapped himself back round him. Bam held on tight, stroking his hair and murmuring softly.

"Come on baby," he whispered. "Sooner we get in the car, sooner we can relax a bit."

"Okay." Ville got into the back with him, immediately cuddling in and burying his face.

Holding him close, he tried not to sigh, meeting his mother's worried gaze in the rearview mirror with a grimace.

"How was your flight?"

Feeling himself flush lightly, he cleared his throat. "You know, good I guess. I fly better when I'm with Ville."

"Did you get any sleep?"

"Some." He shrugged, too worried about Ville's quiet sniffing and shivering to really concentrate. He buried his nose in soft hair, pressing a kiss to his husband's scalp. While he knew his mother would attempt to, well mother them, he just wanted to get his lover home, somehwere they could be private, somewhere Ville would feel safe.

When they got to the house, Phil took their bags and Ape bundled them straight into the sitting room.

"Would you boys like anything to drink?"

"Coffee please," Ville said quietly.

"Yeah me too," he said with a nod.

"What's the magic word?"

He rolled his eyes. "Please."

"That's better."

"Ape, please, not now."

"There's no excuse to be rude Bam," Ville said quietly. "Especially not to your mother."

Wincing, he nodded. "Yeah I know, sorry Ape, sorry Ville."

"That's okay sweetie. I'll just go get everyone a coffee okay?"

"Okay."

Ville lifted his head and kissed his cheek. "I love your mother."

"Yeah, me too."

"Treasure your parents sweetheart," Ville said, lips trembling. "They won't be around forever." One fat tear escaped a shining green eye, trickling slowly down Ville's face. Leaning close, he gently licked up the tear and suddenly found himself with an armful of his sobbing lover. Biting back tears of his own, he held his husband, rocking him slowly, humming softly, just under his breath.

Phil paused in the doorway, grimacing sadly. "Maybe you two should have some time alone for a while."

"Yeah that would be... yeah." He eased Ville to his feet.

"We'll call you for dinner."

"Thanks Phil. Come on baby." He led the older man downstairs to his old room, quickly retrieving his beloved photo before shoving their bags onto the floor. He put the photo on the bedside table and drew Ville onto the bed with him, spooning up behind his lover to wrap himself round him as much as he could.

"I love you so much Ville."

His lover took his hand and kissed his palm. "I love you too. I know you're worried sweetheart," he whispered. "I just, I don't know, I'm feeling everything or nothing and everything is just too overwhelming right now."

"Baby, it's okay. Whatever you need, I just here for you."

"Yeah I know." Ville wriggled round in his arms to face him and almost managed a smile. "I just need you, Bam, kiss me? Please?"

"You don't ever have to ask me baby," he breathed, leaning in to brush his mouth over his lover's, slowly increasing the pressure, moving his lips until Ville's parted, tongue darting out to lick into his mouth. He shivered, warmth and need tightening his groin and he leaned in, kissing deeper, lips moving over Ville's, tongues tangling. Whimpering quietly, Ville hooked a leg over his hips and pushed into his groin, erection sliding over his hardening cock.

"Ville?"

"Please love," Ville said, panting quietly. "Please I need you."

"Are you sure this is what you need?"

"I need to feel, Bam, I need to feel normal, feel loved, please," Ville whispered, kissing him again, rocking into him urgently.

"Oh baby," he breathed, heart aching as much as his groin.

"Please," Ville murmured, tongue plunging deep between his lips. Bam groaned, need sparking through his nerves, making his dick jerk and he thrust harder into him, holding onto hair and ass, clutching the older man close.

"Touch me," Ville gasped, rocking against him faster. "Please my darling."

"Yes." He reached between them, undoing his lover's pants and reaching into his underwear. He rubbed his palm over the silken skin of Ville's dick, fingers stretching down to cup his balls. Pushing his fingertips further down, he stroked the soft skin underneath, palm pressing against the base of his cock. Ville jerked hard against him.

"Oh yes, my love," he gasped, voice sounding choked as he rocked into his touch. "Feels so... oh fuck!"

Sliding his hand back up, he wrapped his fingers round Ville's shaft, stroking hard and fast, kissing his lover desperately. Ville moaned into his mouth, bucking up again and again until he stiffened, shooting over Bam's hand. Pulling back with a gasp, Ville lay back on the bed, ripping his shirt open.

"Come on me love, mark me, I need it."

"Fuck," he groaned, heat coursing through his whole body. He rolled over and knelt up, straddling his lover's groin and yanking open his pants, shoving them and his underwear down to free his straining cock. He fisted his shaft with come-coated fingers, meeting his husband's needy green gaze with a sigh of want.

"Help me baby," he whispered. Nodding, Ville reached up, hand clasping tightly round his, encouraging strong fast strokes over his dick until he was shaking with pleasure and the need to come.

"Ville, oh fuck..." He gasped, curling over his lover's body as tension exploded, pleasure peaking in his groin, He came hard, spurting over Ville's stomach and chest with a groan. "I love you," he whispered before dropping onto his husband. Ville's arms wrapped round him.

"I love you too."

@>*~

He woke up on his own, frowning in confusion until he heard the toilet flush and the sink faucet running. Reaching to his bag, he dug out a towel and got up, stripping out of his travel- and come- stained clothing.

Hearing the shower switch on, he padded quietly to the bathroom and opened the door. The sight of his husband's naked form under the flowing water took his breath away but his bowed head and slumped shoulders pushed his desire aside.

With a soft sigh, he got into the shower with his lover and pulled him round into a hug. "Why didn't you wake me?"

"I don't know," Ville breathed.

"Do you want to be alone?" he asked a little painfully.

Ville clung to him tighter. "No!"

Breathing out in relief, he stroked wet hair genty. He held his lover under the warm water for a while then eased back, pouring shower gel into his hand and carefully washing Ville then himself.

They got out and dried off dressing quickly when Phil knocked on the door to call them for dinner. Taking Ville's hand, he led him upstairs to the kitchen.

"Sit down boys," Ape said as she bustled round. Bam sat, a little surprised when Ville sat in the chair next to him.

"You okay baby?" he whispered. Ville shrugged, leaning against the table. "Don't you... do you want..."

"What?" Ville almost snapped.

"Would one of you just sit in the other's lap," Ape said with a shake of her head. "I know you're dying to."

Sighing quietly, Ville got up and sat in Bam's lap, wrapping his arms round his neck and kissing his cheek. "I'm sorry my love," he said.

"It's okay baby." He slipped his arms round the older man's waist and nuzzled his neck. "I love you."

"I love you too."

"Hey guys." Jess walked into the room and smiled weakly. "It's good to see you." He gave them both a quick hug before sitting next to them.

"You too bro."

"How are you Ville?"

Ville turned his head so his cheek rested on Bam's shoulder and he was facing Jess. "I don't know," he said with a shrug.

"I... I'm really sorry..." Jess trailed off looking awkward.

"Yeah." Ville turned to bury his face in Bam's neck again. When his brother grimaced apologetically, he almost managed a smile.

"Phil, come on," Ape yelled.

"I'm here." Phil joined them at the table and Ape started to put plates down. He blinked as more and more food appeared and he frowned at his mother.

"Are we expecting the guys?"

"No, they wanted to give you some space your first day."

"Maybe a small army then?"

"Very funny Bam, just eat would you?"

"Sure." He pulled two empty plates in front of him and grabbed one of the serving spoons. "What would you like baby?"

Ville didn't move. "I'm not hungry."

"Baby you need to eat."

"I'm not hungry."

Squeezing his eyes shut for a moment, he swallowed and nodded serving himself some lasagne. He took a mouthful and blinked at his mother in surprise.

"What?" she asked.

"No meat."

"Of course not. I didn't know what Ville would like so I made it all vegan."

"Thank you," Ville said softly, finally uncurling himself from Bam's embrace.

"Do you want to try some?" he asked quietly.

"No thanks."

"Just a little?"

"Bam, I said no," Ville snapped, rearing back. "Quit it."

"I'm worried."

"I know but I'm not hungry, okay?"

"Okay," he whispered.

Shaking his head, Ville sighed. "I'm going to go for a cigarette."

"Okay," he said, not looking up as he pushed his food round his plate. Ville dropped a kiss onto the top of his head and left the room. "Shit," he sighed.

"Don't worry honey, he just doesn't know how to react right now."

"Neither do I though Mom."

"At least eat Bam, you're going to need your strength to take care of him."

"Yeah okay."

He ate quickly, he didn't want to leave his lover on his own too long. Then he hurried out to the garden where he found Ville sitting on one of his ramps, cigarette packet and lighter clasped in one hand, lit cigarette in the other and a small pile of stubbed out butts at his feet.

"You okay baby?"

Ville shrugged.

"Do you want anything?"

Ville took a long drag of his cigarette and shook his head.

"You sure?" He moved closer to his lover, biting his lip worriedly.

"Yeah," Ville sighed, smoking his cigarette right to the filter before lighting up another.

"Nothing to eat?"

"No Bam," Ville snapped.

"I could get you a drink," he suggested softly.

"Bam..."

"A coffee?"

"No."

"Orange juice?"

"Just fuck off," Ville shouted. "Fuck off, fuck off, fuck off!"

It felt like his lover had punched him and his throat and chest clenched in pain, tears springing to his eyes.

"I... yeah, okay," he whispered, swallowing hard and trying to stop his jaw trembling. "I'm sorry." Turning, he started to walk away. He hadn't gone more than two steps before he was tackled to the ground, Ville clinging to him tightly.

"I'm sorry! Oh darling, I'm so sorry, I didn't mean it."

Dropping his forehead onto the grass, he sighed. "I know."

Ville didn't move, lying on top of him, face buried in the back of his neck. "Do you?

Reaching back, he stroked his lover's hip. "Yeah," he breathed. "I'm sorry I was being pushy."

"Don't apologise for being worried about me," Ville said heatedly. "Don't ever."

"I'm s-"

"Bam!" Ville exclaimed. He sighed, kissing his neck and reaching down to take his hand.

"Yeah," he sighed. "Shutting up now."

Ville rolled off him onto his back on the grass and Bam shifted round to put his head on his chest and slipped an arm round his waist.

"Don't say that either."

"Well, what do you want me to say?"

"I don't know sweetheart, I don't even know what I want to say."

"Baby," he sighed, propping his head up on one arm and lifting his hand to gently stroke his lover's face. "You don't have to say anything, I'm here for you, I love you and I'll try not to worry quite so much."

"Rakastan sua Bam," Ville whispered a little urgently, reaching up to cup his cheek. "I don't know what I'd do, what I... if I..." His face crumpled and it made Bam's heart hurt.

"What baby?"

"If I ever, oh Bam." Ville pulled at him, dragging him on top of him and holding him close. "I can't lose you," he breathed. "I can't."

"Oh my God, Ville." He kissed his husband desperately, sadness and need filling him, overwhelming him. "You'll never lose me," he whispered. "Never, I promise, never."

Ville clasped his hair gently in both hands and looked up at him before bursting into tears. "Don't make promises you can't keep," he sobbed softly.

He shook his head, slowly leaning closer, meeting his lover's eyes. "Never gonna lose me baby. Remember what we said? I love you forever, beyond death. You're never gonna get rid of me Ville."

Lips trembling, Ville almost laughed and pulled him closer, kissing him quickly. "If you wanted that to sound like a threat, it didn't work," he whispered, breath hitching quietly.

"You're damn right it was a threat." He smiled softly and kissed his husband back. "Cos I'm never letting you get away baby, you're mine."

"Yes," Ville gasped. "Yes I'm yours." He wrapped his arms round Bam's neck and pushed up, hugging him tightly. "Hold me."

"Always," he breathed, sliding his arms round his husband and holding him closer. "I love you."

Ville buried his face in his neck, sniffing quietly. "I love you too."

"Hey guys, what are you doing? It's a bit public out here, don't you think?"

He scowled up at his best friend. "Like I give a shit right now Ryan."

Sighing softly, Ryan crouched down next to them, grasping both their shoulders. "I know you don't dickface but it's not like you guys need anymore complications right now, is it?"

"I guess," he sighed, patting his hand. "Sorry dude."

"I know. Come on inside guys."

"Yeah," he said. "Baby, you ready to go back in?"

Breathing in deeply, Ville eased back, managing a small smile at their friend. "Can we just stay out here a little longer?"

"Sure." He stood and held out his hand, helping his lover to his feet. They all went back to the ramp to sit down, Ville lighting up another cigarette. "Baby, don't you think you've had enough?" he said softly, concerned, as always, by how much his lover's smoking had steadily increased over the years.

Ville's eyes narrowed. "We're not having that argument now Bam."

Biting back objections, he nodded, dropping his cheek to his husband's shoulder, wrinkling his nose at the smoke.

"It's good to see you both," Ryan said quietly. "How are you Ville?"

"I don't know."

"Yeah," Ryan sighed, patting his back lightly. "You two staying here then?"

"Yeah," he said with a nod. "Ape wants us here anyway, plus you know, the guys might be a bit much."

"Yeah I know."

"How's the house?"

"Same as always," Ryan said. "You going to come over tomorrow?"

"I dont know. Ville do you want to?"

"I... yeah," Ville said with a nod. "I want to see the garden."

"It's looking nice," Ryan said, smiling softly. "Annie spent a lot of time there lately."

Ville choked, then inhaled sharply. He stood up and hurried away.

"Ville," he started, then sighed.

"Sorry Bam, I didn't mean..."

"I know, it's okay," he said quietly, heart aching for his husband. "He's all over the place, Ryan, I don't know what to do."

"Just love him Bam, ultimately you are what he needs."

Squeezing Ryan's shoulder, he stood. "Thank man, I'll see you tomorrow, I need to go find him."

"I know Bambam, see you tomorrow."

Nodding, he hurried inside. He got a bottle of water from the fridge and grabbed a dish from the table, taking them both down to his room. Ville had stripped and was curled under the covers, face buried in Bam's pillow. He set down the food and water and got undressed, sliding into bed, trying not to feel hurt when Ville rolled away from him. He spooned up behind his husband anyway, kissing his shoulder and wrapping an arm round his waist.

"I love you," he whispered. "I wish I could take all your pain away. I wish I could protect you from everything bad." He rested his forehead on the back of Ville's neck with a sigh. Ville took his hand, linking their fingers together and squeezing gently.

@>*~

Bam woke with a start. He was alone again and he sighed, rolling over to look at the clock. It was the middle of the night.

Groaning quietly, he glanced over at the bathroom door, frowning when he realised there was no light. He sat up and switched on the bedside lamp. Ville's clothes were gone and he sighed again. Did he wait for his husband to come back or go find him? He might just be having a cigarette in the garden.

Biting his lip, he got up and pulled his clothes on, stuffing his feet into his sneakers and heading up the stairs. He checked the kitchen and the sitting room, then the garden but Ville was nowhere.

"Fuck," he whispered, heart pounding with worry. Running back down to his room, he quickly grabbed his deck and headed out, skating a more than familiar route until he reached the mansion. He flipped his deck up into his hand and climbed over the wall, heading round the back to the garden. The sight of his lover filled him with relief and sorrow. Ville was digging in one of the beds and Bam walked quietly over, kneeling next to him.

"Can I do anything?"

Inhaling sharply, Ville turned his head slowly to look at him, lips curling into a sad smile. "You found me."

"Of course I did," he whispered. "Did you think I'd be able to sleep long without you?"

"No," Ville replied, expression more rueful. "You never did get used to sleeping on your own."

"Did you?"

Ville sighed heavily. "You know I didn't."

Leaning closer, Bam rested his head on his husband's shoulder. "Yeah, I know. Why didn't you wake me?"

"I just needed to see the garden my love."

"Without me?"

"I don't know," Ville said. "Maybe."

"Oh." He swallowed back tears, trying not to feel hurt when none of this was about him. "I can, I'll go wait for you at home."

"Sweetheart..."

"It's okay Ville, I told you, whatever you need okay?"

"You are what I need Bam but I... I think I need to be alone, just for a bit, okay?"

"Yeah," he whispered. "Will you be okay getting home?"

"Yes of course my love. I won't be long."

He lifted his head and kissed Ville's cheek. "I love you."

"I love you too."

Reluctantly, he stood, holding his deck tightly to his chest, and backed away. Every fibre of his being resisted leaving his husband but he would do it, for Ville. He turned and walked slowly away, praying with every step that Ville would call him back. But he didn't and, with a heavy sigh, he jumped on his board and skated home.

@>*~

When he got back, he headed down the stairs to his room, stripped down to his boxers and lay back on the bed, pillowing his head on crossed arms. He just didn't know what to do. How was he supposed to support his lover when all he wanted to do was hold Ville tight, bury himself in his arms and cry?

He hadn't been home more than five minutes when the door was flung open and Ville ran in, jumping on the bed and clinging to him tightly, face buried in his stomach. He was panting heavily and when he turned his head to look at him, his face was flushed and sweaty.

Biting back a groan, Bam slid a finger under Ville's chin and urged him up as he leaned forward, capturing his mouth, sucking on his bottom lip, tongue sliding over his mouth. Ville gasped quietly, clutching at his hair, lips parting under his, tongue meeting his with a soft caress that sent a bolt of lust down his spine, a hot ache of need spreading through his groin.

Pushing up, he kissed his husband urgently, stroking his face, one hand smoothing over his chest, tearing at his shirt.

"Baby," he gasped. "Baby, I love you."

"I love you too," Ville whispered, rearing up and pushing him back, crawling over him and kissing him again, soft and deep, hand sliding down his chest and stomach, then under his boxers to palm his erection. Groaning, he arched up, kissing back hard as Ville stroked his dick lightly.

"Baby," he gasped.

"I need to be inside you Bam," Ville breathed, wrenching his boxers down to his thighs.

"Yes," Bam whimpered. "Please." He watched breathlessly as Ville ripped his pants open, hitching them down enough for his cock to push out, hard and leaking beautifully. "Oh fuck," he breathed, reaching out to stroke fingers and thumb up his shaft, over the head to spread precome. "Right now baby, in me right now." He pulled gently, arching up to kiss Ville hard and desperate.

Groaning into his mouth, Ville pushed his legs back and slid his cock down to his ass, pushing into him hard and unrelenting. Pain and pleasure shot up his spine and he screamed, fingers clenching into his lover's hips.

"You okay?"

"Fuck yes," he gasped, hooking his ankles over his lover's shoulders. "Fuck me, I love you."

"Yes," Ville grunted, bucking into him thrusting deeper. He reached between them, shredding his boxers and ripping them off his legs.

Cock pulsing, ass aching with lust and need, Bam spread his legs wider, dragging Ville down to kiss him, sucking on lips and tongue, grunting and moaning as Ville moved inside him, fucking him, pounding into his ass mercilessly. It felt so fucking good, despite the heartache and worry, his lover deep inside him, hot, strong body over and around him, mouth tasting him, loving him. Tears pricked his eyes and he pulled Ville closer, softening his kisses even as he rocked harder into each thrust, rubbing his cock urgently between their stomachs.

Electric pleasure jolted through every nerve and he eased Ville back slightly, cupping his cheek to meet his gaze as they gasped and panted and thrust. Tension coiled deep in his gut and he groaned.

"I love you baby," he shouted, arching up into Ville's stroke as he came, jerking hard, spurting over their stomachs.

"My love, oh fuck, I love you," Ville cried out, plunging deep into his body, heat spreading inside him. He dropped on top of him, pulling his legs round his waist. "There are times Bam, when I hate your skateboard."

"Huh? What do you mean baby?"

"I went after you, I didn't want you to go but with your deck, you were already out of sight."

"Shit," he sighed. "I'm sorry Ville, I didn't want to go but I need you to tell me what you really need so I can be here for you."

"I know sweetheart, I'm just finding it hard to work that out right now," Ville whispered, stroking his face gently. "The one certainty I have right now is that I love you and I need you."

"Just, please, don't push me away," he said quietly.

"Darling, I don't mean to, you know you're everything to me."

"Yeah," he whispered. "I love you too. Stay inside me baby, as long as you can."

Ville smiled against his skin and nodded. "Okay my love."

@>*~

When Bam woke up he was alone again and he grimaced in hurt and annoyance. He levered himself out of bed, running to grab a quick shower before getting dressed and heading upstairs. Ape was making oatmeal and toast and Phil was reading a newspaper.

"Morning," he grunted. "Where's Ville?"

"He's outside honey, can you call him in? Breakfast is almost ready."

"Yeah okay." He headed outside, shoving his hands in his pockets as he walked over to the ramp where his lover was sitting, smoking. He kicked Ville's foot.

"Breakfast," he said shortly. "And you'd better eat something." He turned to walk back to the house.

"Hey!"

He stopped abruptly, shoulders tight with tension.

"Bam," Ville said softly from just behind him. "Don't I get a good morning? A good morning kiss?"

"Maybe you had a good morning but I woke up on my own, again. So no, you don't get a good morning kiss Ville," he snapped. He took one more step forward when his husband stopped him, wrapping arms round him and pulling him back against his chest.

"Darling come on, I didn't want to disturb you again." He tried to pull away but Ville held on tightly.

"Let go."

"No." Ville kissed the back of his neck gently, lifting one hand to sink into his hair, tipping his head to the side to kiss under his ear. His hurt anger faded and he sighed, sagging back against his husband as he continued to kiss him gently. "I'm sorry," Ville whispered, urging him round and cupping his cheek.

"Me too," he sighed. "It's just, I have to wake up without you too often already, I don't want to have to do it when you're right here." Tears pricked his eyes and he dropped his forehead onto Ville's shoulder.

"You're right my love, I'm so sorry. I just wasn't thinking straight when I woke up."

"Baby, I didn't mean to..."

"Hush love." Ville tipped his head back and stroked his thumb down his cheek. "Let me make it up to you," he whispered, leaning in to kiss him, brushing his lips over his mouth, soft and sweet. Kissing back for a moment, sliding his fingers into long, silky hair and tasting his husband all too briefly, he eased back.

"You can make it up to me by eating something this morning," he said quietly.

Ville sighed. "Okay my love."

"Thank you." He managed a smile and kissed the older man again quickly. "I love you, I'm sorry I freaked out on you."

Wrapping an arm round his shoulders, Ville steered him back to the house. "That's okay darling. I love you too."

They walked into the kitchen arm in arm and his mother smiled softly at them.

"Sit down boys."

"Do you mind if I sit on Bam's lap, April?"

"Of course not sweetie."

"Thanks Ape," Bam murmured, sitting down and drawing his lover down onto his lap, kissing his cheek softly.

"I made the oatmeal with water okay Ville?"

"Thank you."

"Can I have milk on mine Ape?"

"Sure. Ville, there's honey there if you want it."

"That would be lovely, thank you."

Bam dropped his forehead onto Ville's shoulder. Everything felt peculiarly normal, like they really were just having a nice quiet breakfast, like a member of their family hadn't just died leaving them all griefstricken and Ville devastated. If it wasn't for the pain in his heart and the dull sadness in his husband's eyes, it could have been any other time they'd visited. But it wasn't and he'd lost his appetite. Turning his head, he watched his lover eat, making sure he at least finished the cereal.

"Darling, yours is getting cold."

"I'm not hungry."

Ville wrapped an arm round his neck, sank his hand into his hair and gently pulled his head back. "Bam, please my love, I don't want to be worrying about you," he whispered.

"I know." Bam kissed his lover gently and grimaced ruefully. "I'll try."

"Thank you." Ville finished his breakfast and coffee then kissed the top of his head. "I'm going for a smoke, eat."

"Yeah okay." Letting go of his lover regretfully, he turned his head to watch Ville leave the room, chest tightening with both love and desire. Quickly, he looked back at the table and took a deep breath.

"He's right Bam, you need to eat."

"Yeah I know, Phil," he sighed. "Everything just felt so fake, I don't know if I can even swallow right now."

"Try baby." Ape kissed the top of his head as she walked past him, picking up Ville's bowl and Phil's plate.

After managing to force down a few mouthfuls, he helped his mother clean up quickly before heading back out to the garden to rejoin his husband.

"Did you eat?"

"Yes dear." He stepped up onto the ramp and sat behind Ville, shifting so his lover sat between his legs, wrapping his arms round his waist and hooking his chin over his shoulder. "Do you want to visit the guys today?"

"I don't know maybe."

"We don't have to do anything you don't want to."

"Thank you love," Ville whispered, stroking his arm. Burying his face in his lover's neck, he inhaled slowly, enjoying his scent even with the slight taint of smoke. "Bam," Ville murmured.

"I really missed waking up with you this morning," he said, slipping a hand under Ville's t-shirt and gently stroking soft skin.

"Ah Bam." Ville moaned quietly, leaning back against him.

"Missed sliding up against you, touching you."

"Bam."

Pausing, Bam kissed his lover's neck. "You want me to stop?" he asked softly.

"No," Ville breathed, taking his hand and pushing it down to his groin. "Touch me."

"Mmm yes baby," he whispered, stroking firmly, dick hardening as he felt the solid length of his lover's erection under his palm. "Love touching you." Quickly, he unbuttoned and unzipped Ville's pants, slipping his hand into his underwear and stroking his fingers up the shaft teasingly.

"Sweetheart please."

"Love tasting you more," he said, moving round to kneel in front of his husband, pushing his legs apart.

"Darling." Ville clutched his hair, tipping his head up to stare down at him, eyes wide and dark.

"Let me taste you baby," Bam whispered. "Let me suck you."

"Fuck," Ville groaned. "Yes love, please." He let go, pushing at his pants, freeing his straining cock. Licking his lips, Bam leaned in, rubbing his nose up the hard length, inhaling deeply.

"Beautiful," he murmured, licking slowly over the tip with a quiet moan at his lover's taste. Smoothing his lips against soft skin, he wrapped his hand round the base and sank his mouth down the shaft, licking hard.

"So good Bam, always miss your mouth."

Humming happily, he sucked hard, sliding down till his lips met his hand and he used hand and mouth to work his lover's cock until Ville was groaning loudly.

"Harder Bam," he gasped, gripping his hair.

"Mmm." Bam moved his hand, stroking down the crease of his groin, pressing his thumb into the soft skin under his balls as he sucked his lover's hot, hard length right into his mouth and down his throat. It was too good, silken skin against his tongue, cock filling his mouth, Ville's addictive taste overwhelming his senses. He felt like he might burst. One handed, he wrenched his pants open, quickly wrapping his hand round his aching erection as he felt Ville's cock pulse and his husband's grip tighten.

"Fuck Bam, oh love yes," Ville panted, leaning back and rocking up into his mouth. Urgent need filled him, groin tight as pleasure shot through him, He jacked himself quickly, desperately as he swallowed harder, lapping and sucking, needing his lover to come, needing to swallow him down, taste him so he could come. Even when he heard footsteps approaching and Ville tried to pull away, he held on, sucked his lover and jacked himself.

"Ah fuck," Ville groaned, bucking into him.

"Euw guys."

"Sorry Jess," Ville gasped. "He's... fuck... not stopping."

"Yeah, big shocker there." Jess laughed, walking away.

Grinning round his mouthful, Bam chuckled lightly.

"Oh fuck Bam!" Ville cried out, thrusting up hard, hot come spurting into his mouth. The taste took him over the edge and he groaned, jerking harder into his fist as pleasure blazed through his body.

"Stand up darling."

He pulled back with a gasp. "You've got... to be kidding."

"Bam," Ville dragged at his shoulders, "I want to suck you."

"Fuck baby." He forced himself to his feet and Ville pulled him close, sucking his cock straight into hot wetness, slick tongue licking over and around the head until he was bucking into Ville's mouth, pleasure exploding through every nerve as he came and his lover swallowed all around him.

"Oh yes, oh fuck. I love you Ville, I fucking love you!" He dropped his hands onto his lover's long, dark hair, stroking gently. Panting for breath, he let the older man ease him back then tug him down onto his lap, nuzzling into his neck.

"I love you too darling," Ville murmured, kissing his temple gently.

"Hmm," he sighed, rubbing his nose under his lover's ear. He wasn't exactly happier but being close to his husband like this always made things better, made both of them feel better. Even when Ville lit up a fresh cigarette. "Baby, let's just spend the day on our own today," he suggested quietly.

"That would be lovely sweetheart but I don't think we'll get away with it today."

"Damn right."

He looked up and grimaced at his brother. "Why not?"

"The guys want to see you two for a start Bambam, come on."

"I guess but only if you're really up for it Ville, I mean it."

"I'll be fine love, it'll be nice to see them."

"Yeah, and Ryan's expecting you anyway."

"Cool." He smiled at his brother finally. "You ready to go honey?" he whispered, rubbing his cheek into his lover's neck.

"Yes I suppose so. Jess, would you mind if Bam and I walked there on our own?" Ville asked quietly.

"Nah it's cool," Jess said with a shrug. "I'm gonna go pick up Chad and Deron on the way anyway."

"Thanks bro, we'll meet you there then."

Jess nodded and waved, heading back to the house.

"We should probably clean off a little first."

"Yeah." Ville stubbed out his cigarette and stood up. He looked unbearably sad and Bam slipped an arm round his waist to walk back to the house and down to their room. They both quickly rinsed off and changed their underwear. Ville didn't say a word and he bit his lip, watching the older man worriedly.

"You okay?"

"What do you think Bam?"

"Sorry," he sighed. "Ready?"

"I guess."

"Are you sure you want to go?"

"I guess."

"Ville..."

"Bam, would you give it a rest?"

Swallowing hard, he shoved his hands in his pockets and nodded, forcing his hurt aside. "Sorry."

With a quiet sigh, Ville slipped his hand under his chin, tipping his head up. "Me too love, just, stop over-worrying all the time. I just need you to be you not my... not my mother okay?"

Clenching his jaw against threatening tears, he nodded. "I'm not trying... I just, I love you so much and I need to... I need to take care of you, look after you." Ville's expression saddened and he clasped his face gently between his hands. "I know my love," he whispered. "And I love you so much just for that Bam. Just be here for me darling and remember when I'm being a dick, that I love you desperately, you're my everything."

"Oh Ville." He leaned up and kissed his husband gently. "It's okay, and you're not being a dick."

"If you say so."

"I say so," he said firmly, smiling softly as Ville kissed his forehead and let him go.

"Thank you darling."

"Anything for you Ville, you know that."

Ville smiled finally. "Yes and I thank whatever higher being is out there for it every day."

Love swelled in his heart and, for a moment, Bam was happy. "Yeah," he whispered. He slid his arm back round his lover's waist and they walked back upstairs.

"Ape!"

"Yes dear?"

"We're going to visit the guys."

Ape poked her head round the door. "Have fun, and call if you're staying for dinner okay?"

"Okay, later."

Reluctantly letting go of his husband as they left the house, he walked slowly next to him, hands pushed deep into his pockets so he wouldn't give into the urge to touch him. He hated the fact that even in his home town they weren't allowed to be a normal couple in public. It seemed ridiculous to him considering how many people must already have known he was gay and with Ville.

The only place they had always been, and remained, open and publically demonstrative was Helsinki where it seemed to have become just an accepted part of life. Nobody batted an eyelid if they hugged or kissed or even if he dragged his husband offstage at a gig and they practically fucked each other where they stood. He sighed and glanced at his husband.

"What love?"

"I miss home," he whispered. "I miss being able to touch you whenever I want."

"Yeah me too." Ville smiled sadly at him. "Do you think it really matters here? Do you think we could... oh never mind."

"No, not never mind baby, do I think we could what?"

"Just be us."

"I want to," he sighed.

"But we can't, I know sweetheart. I just, I miss it too."

"Fucking companies," he said with a snort. "Why did we let them get away with this again?"

"To follow our dreams."

"To follow our dreams," he repeated with a sigh. "You'd think we'd have a bit more say now though."

"In some ways we have less say darling, especially you. Element, Adio and Mtv want to protect their investment after all."

"I know, I know." He put his arm round Ville's shoulders, hugging him briefly. "Sometimes I wish I'd never signed up for Jackass, it takes up even more of our time and if we do get a chance to be together during filming, we have to hide us from cast and crew."

"Darling you know I support you one hundred percent, don't regret something that you enjoy, something you wanted to do and that helps the guys out too."

He smiled at his husband, overwhelmed with love for the older man, as always. "Thank you baby, I love you so much."

"Rakastan sua heila."

They climbed over the wall and walked round to the back where Ville stopped him, pulling him into a tight hug and kissing him, clasping his cheek gently, tongue sliding into his mouth for a breathless moment.

"Mmm," Ville murmured, pulling back and smiling at him. "That's better."

"Not quite." He smiled back and leaned up to kiss him back, hard and quick, then licked his lips with a sigh. "Now that's better."

"Is that right?" Ville said with a snicker.

"Yeah, it is." Grinning, he wrapped his arms round his husband's neck and tugged him down, rubbing their noses together before kissing him again, soft and sweet. "I love you so much baby," he whispered, sucking gently on his bottom lip.

"Guys, quit making out and get inside."

Sighing quietly, he let go of his lover and turned to glare at Ryan. "Yeah, yeah, keep your panties on dude, just reconnecting."

"After your walk over?" Ryan rolled his eyes. "Give me a break Bam, it's what, a fifteen minute walk?"

"And? That's fifteen minutes of not touching asshole, like we don't have enough of that already."

"Get a grip."

"Don't be a dick Dunn."

"Enough boys, please?" Ville sighed.

"Sorry baby. Sorry Ryan."

"Just come on inside." Ryan snorted and disappeared into the kitchen.

"I love you too my darling," Ville whispered, kissing his temple. "Let's go in."

"Yeah okay." Taking Ville's hand, he led the way into the kitchen.

"Bambam! Ville!"

"Hey Raab."

"How's it going?"

"Okay I guess."

"Yeah." Raab grimaced. "Sorry Ville."

"Thank you."

The only difference in the kitchen was the contents of cupboards and fridge and the much larger table. They sat down, Bam pulling his husband into his lap and wrapping his arms round his waist. He nuzzled into his neck gently.

"Where is everyone?"

Ryan snorted loudly. "Are you kidding?" It's too early for anyone to be up."

"Early? It's nearly lunchtime."

"They'll be up for lunch," Ryan said. "They know you're coming over."

"Nice of them to make an effort," he said with a pout.

Ryan patted his head. "This is an effort for them, you know that."

"Yeah I guess. Is Jess here yet?"

"Nah, he called to say Chad was being a dick, so they're running late."

"So what else is new?" Bam shook his head, chuckling lightly. "Why are you up already Raaby?"

"Didn't go to bed yet," Raab said with a giggle and a hiccup.

"Dude, you need to slow it down."

"Slow what down? I'm only twenty-two."

"Yeah true. So where'd ya go?"

"We all went to Mike's for drinks, I don't really remember what happened after that." Raab shrugged and swigged down a bottle of water.

"He rolled in this morning, get this," Ryan snickered, "with Nathan."

"You're kidding?" he gasped. "You got something to tell us Raab?"

Raab looked very confused. "What? What do you mean?"

Dissolving into giggles, Bam buried his face in Ville's neck.

"I don't get it."

Ryan laughed. "I'll bet. Don't worry Raab, we won't tell anyone."

"Tell anyone what?" Raab sounded so bewildered that Bam couldn't help laughing harder.

"Stop being such dicks," Ville said quietly. "Raab ignore them."

"But I don't understand what they mean."

"They're just teasing because Nathan's gay."

"He is?" Raab blinked at them. "Oh."

"Yeah dude, didn't you know?"

"I just thought he was a friend of you three."

"Well," Ryan shrugged. "Yeah, I guess he is really. Even if he is a royal pain in the ass."

Bam lifted his head and looked sharply at his friend, wondering if meant that literally as well as figuratively. Rolling his eyes, Ryan shook his head.

"I think I need a shower, wake up a bit," Raab said slowly, getting up from the table and wandering out of the room.

"Dude..."

"Shut up Bam, Nathan and I aren't fucking, we're just friends."

"Are you fucking anyone?"

"Not at the moment, no," Ryan said stiffly.

"Ryan..."

"Hush love, now isn't the time," Ville said, patting his arm gently.

"Yeah all right. Sorry Ryan."

"I know. You guys want coffee?"

"Yes please."

"Yeah, me too thanks."

"You made any plans yet?" Ryan asked quietly.

"No," Ville whispered.

"Linde and Migé are flying over in a couple of days but that's the only thing organised so far."

"Migé and L-, they're coming over?"

"Well, of course they are, they loved Annie." He frowned at his oldest friend.

"Where are they staying?"

"Here of course."

Ryan turned away, shoulders tight, and leaned against the counter. "Why do they have to stay here?"

"Ryan?" Bam glanced at his lover and raised an eyebrow. Ville grimaced.

"I'm sorry Ryan but they have to stay here," Ville said quietly.

"Yeah I know, it's just..."

"Dude, it's been years, you said you were over him."

"I am," Ryan snapped. "I just, well, I haven't seen him at all since then."

"Seen who since when?"

"It's nothing Jess," Ryan sighed.

Jess tramped heavily through the kitchen door. "Whatever dude. Hey guys."

"Hey."

"Hey Bam, Ville, how's it going?"

"How do you think Deron?" Bam snorted.

"Right." The singer grimaced. "Sorry." Chad shoved him out of the way.

"Motherfuckers!"

Ville stiffened and Bam held onto him tightly when it felt like he was going to get up.

"Chad, shit, try some fucking tact," Jess snapped, smacking him hard.

"Yo touchy," Chad snorted.

"Chad," Ville said quietly. "Please be quiet now."

"Sorry dude." Chad looked down at his feet.

"I'm just going to go outside for a bit," Ville said, pulling out of Bam's arms and getting up. He walked out and Bam glared at his friend.

"Thanks Chad you stupid fuck." He stood and followed his husband outside. Ville was standing in the centre of the heartagram looking up at the sky, thumbs hooked into his back pockets. The sheer beauty of his lover, slender frame, the curve of his throat, the arch of his back, it just took his breath away and he walked over to stand behind him, slipping his arms under Ville's and round his waist. The older man leaned back against him without hesitation, head dropping back to rest against his shoulder.

"You want me to kick his ass?"

Ville laughed quietly. "No love."

"It's just Chad, you know, he doesn't really mean anything by it."

"I know, I just needed a moment."

"Want me to go?" He seemed to be asking that a lot lately and it was strange and painful. It had never been a question that it had ever occurred to him to ask before and he hated it.

"No Bam," Ville said softly. "I don't want you away from me at all, ever, no matter what I might say sometimes."

Tightening his arms round his husband's waist, he kissed his neck gently. Ville's words quieted his fears and eased the pain. "Thank you."

"Why are you thanking me darling?"

"Because that is one of the worst things I've ever had to ask you baby," he said softly. "And I don't want to ask it again."

"You don't ever have to my dearest love. I'm so sorry you felt you had to and I love you so much for asking it." Ville turned and tipped his chin up, dropping a gentle kiss onto his lips.

"Are you making out again?"

Pulling back reluctantly, he glanced at Ryan. "A little, why?"

"We're going to order pizza so you need to come back in if you want anything."

"Cool. Ready to go back in baby?"

"Yes love."

"Can I sit in your lap this time?"

Ville smiled softly. "Of course you can my darling."

"Thank you baby." Holding hands, they went back inside, greeting Novak and Dico who'd joined the others at the table along with a wet-haired Raab. Ville sat down, shifting the chair back so he could slide into his lap. Strong arms wrapped round his waist and he sighed happily.

"What do you guys want?"

"Vegetarian with extra mushroom," Bam said immediately.

Ville groaned and shook his head. "Please not mushroom."

"Why not baby?"

"Because it makes you taste like earth and fungus." Ville shuddered lightly.

"Smoking makes you taste like an ashtray but you don't hear me complaining," he said sharply.

"Yes I do, continuously," Ville said quietly.

"Fine whatever, does it stop you smoking?"

"No," Ville sighed.

"Are you going to deny me the pizza of my choice?"

Sighing even more heavily, Ville shook his head. "No I guess not."

"So double mushroom then?" Ryan asked snickering at them.

"Yeah, no onions."

"Oh thank God for small mercies," Ville muttered.

"Do you even know what an ashtray tastes like?" Dico asked suddenly.

"Yeah, actually I do."

"Euw, why?" Novak asked, frowning at him.

"Because he was being a dick," Ville said.

"I was proving a point."

"By licking an ashtray and then throwing up?"

"Oh dude, that's just sick," Raab snorted

"You ever puked from kissing Ville?" Dico asked almost thoughtfully.

"No!" Bam grimaced in disgust and reached over to smack him.

"Hey I was just asking, I mean you said he tasted like an ashtray and an ashtray made you puke. It would make sense that's all."

"And it would be funny," Chad added with a snort.

He sighed. "Ashtrays just taste like ashtrays, Ville doesn't."

"This girl blew me with a mouthful of smoke once, it was weird. You guys ever try that?" Novak asked with a leer. Ville pulled a face and Bam shook his head.

"He's not allowed to smoke inside."

"Oh please," Ryan snorted. "You two have sex wherever and whenever you feel like it, we've all walked in on you at some point."

He frowned at his friends. "All?"

"Yeah."

"Oh come on, who?"

"This morning, dude," Jess said with a shake of his head. One by one each of the guys raised a hand and he stared in surprise.

"Are you really that surprised Bambam?" Novak snorted.

"Well, not exactly, I just didn't know some of you had."

Ville buried his face in his neck and for a moment he was concerned that the conversation was too much for his husband. Until he felt the trembling and heard a quiet snort.

"Yeah, very funny baby," he said with a pout.

"Sorry darling, it's just, well, we're not exactly discrete."

"Not around us that's for sure," Jess snorted. "Ape has seen you at least four times."

"Dude, that I really didn't need to know."

"You can bet whatever she saw, she didn't need to know either."

"Guys can we stop talking about their sex life and order pizza before we lose our appetites?"

"Yeah, sorry Ryan, who are you waiting for?"

"Ville, what do you want?"

"Whatever vegetarian pizza they have but no cheese."

Dico made a retching noise and Bam smacked him again.

"Dude, stop hitting me."

"Stop being an idiot."

"Fuck you I am not."

He raised his hand and Ville caught his arm. "Stop smacking your friends darling, I might get jealous."

He flushed vividly amongst a chorus of 'woos' and buried his face in his lover's neck. "I'll get you for that," he murmured.

"Hmm," Ville laughed softly. "Promise?"

"Oh yeah baby," he whispered, nuzzling gently under Ville's ear.

"Urgh, Ryan order pizza quick, they're starting to get mushy."

"Nah, they don't get mushy, they get smoochy."

"Oh fuck you all," he sighed as his friends all started to laugh.

@>*~

They spent the rest of the day at the mansion with the guys. Then they'd headed back home to Ape and Phil for a quiet evening, neither of them in the right frame of mind to go out or stay over. It had been nice to have a relatively normal day before everything inevitably got harder, even though Ville's mood had slowly darkened and he'd spent a lot of time with the guys in silence. At home, Bam hadn't been able to persuade him to eat, had spent most of the evening holding or being held silently, in front of the TV or out in the garden where Ville smoked far too much for his liking. When his husband finally scrunched up his cigarette packet, he turned and leaned on Ville's knees.

"Baby, you want to just go to bed?" he suggested quietly. Ville cupped his cheek and leaned forward to kiss him deep and soft. Moaning quietly, he kissed back, kneeling up and sliding his tongue into his lover's mouth. Ville's hand tightened on his cheek and he sucked on his lips and tongue then pulled back with a gasp.

"I want you Bam, fuck I want you."

"Yeah baby," he groaned, his lover's words sending a blaze of need through his body. "Let's go..."

"Right now darling." Ville yanked him forward, mouth connecting hard with his, tongue pushing past his lips and plunging deep as he dragged him up against his body, clutching his ass tightly.

Yelping into his husband's mouth, he grabbed Ville's shoulders for support and rocked up instinctively, his cock hardening needily with his lover's urgency. He moaned, stroking his hands down Ville's chest to clasp his hips as he kissed back, sucking on his lover's tongue until he had to pull back to heave in a breath.

"Now?" he gasped.

"Right here, right now," Ville whispered huskily, eyes dark, lips reddened, gorgeous in the moonlight.

His dick pulsed with lust and he nodded frantically, pulling back a little to tug his husband's pants open. He bent to suck the leaking tip of his cock into his mouth quickly, moaning at his taste. Ville pushed him back again and got up, moving behind him and pushing him over the edge of the ramp.

"Lube?" Ville whispered, leaning over him and nipping his neck sharply. Gasping quietly, he dug in his pocket and passed the tube back.

"Pants down Bam."

"Yeah baby," he groaned. Shoving at pants and underwear, he settled himself over the ramp, pushing his ass out needily. He always wanted his husband and was always consumed by his want and lust when they were like this, urgent, needy, completely attuned in their desire for each other..

"Please baby, I need you," he murmured, looking back to watch his lover slicking up his cock.

"I've needed you all day, wanted to fuck you so hard, so many times," Ville whispered, moving up behind him, rubbing his cock over the crease of his ass.

"Why didn't you?" he asked with a quiet groan.

"Because you wouldn't have been able to walk home," Ville grunted, thrusting into him in one hard stroke.

"Oh fuck," he gasped, burning pleasure jolting into his body along with his lover's cock. "But baby..." he paused, groaning as Ville pulled straight back and slammed into him again, hips slapping into his ass loudly.

"But baby what?" Ville bent over him, thrusting quick and hard, in and out of his body, every stroke slamming him into the ramp.

"Oh fuck," he gasped, pushing back, rocking into each stroke, need rocketing through his nerves and up his spine, cock jerking and drooling with each thrust against his prostate. "You know I... I love it when..." Ville thrust so deep, he cried out, fingers pushing against the wood.

"When?"

"Baby!"

"Tell me Bam," Ville said, panting against his neck, thrusting faster and deeper into his body. Pleasure filled him, the edge of pain from how hard he was being fucked and the ramp digging into his hips, only increased the heated lust circulating through him. He drew in a harsh breath.

"When you fuck me so hard I can't walk."

"Like now?"

"Yes, fuck... yes, like now."

"Harder my love?" Ville breathed, biting his shoulder.

"Yes! God please baby."

Ville's hands covered his, fingers threading between his and squeezing. His chest pressed into the wood as Ville leaned on him and plunged even harder into his body, stabbing him over and over with spine-melting pleasure and pain and he gasped as his balls tightened, aching heat spreading through his groin.

"Oh fuck baby, I'm coming," he cried out. Ville groaned, fucking him over and over until he exploded, ecstacy flooding through his body as he shot hot come into the grass under the ramp, ass clamping tightly round his lover's cock.

"Bam!" Ville thrust into him again and then held himself deep, shuddering as he filled him.

"Fuck," Bam panted. "You really did save that one up, didn't you?"

"Yeah," Ville said with a light chuckle, kissing his neck gently. "Are you okay?"

"Baby, what did I just say to you?"

"You love it when I fuck you so hard you can't walk?"

"Right." He looked back at his beloved husband and smiled. "I'm very okay."

Ville grinned at him. "Can you walk?"

"No," he whispered with a tiny smirk. "Carry me?"

"Oh I see." Ville shook his head and kissed his cheek. "You just wanted me to carry you."

"No, I wanted you to fuck me hard cos it feels fucking awesome," he said softly. "I just..." He felt himself flush and looked forward again.

"Just what love?" Ville asked softly, gently stroking his spine.

"I don't know, I just really love you carrying me sometimes," he whispered. "Makes me feel good, safe, you know?"

"Yeah." Ville leaned forward and kissed his neck again before carefully withdrawing from his body. Bam groaned, trying not to clench down, reluctant to let his lover go. Ville pulled his pants up for him and he knelt up to zip and button them as the older man quickly did up his own.

Come here darling." Standing, Ville helped him to his feet and carefully swung him up into his arms, hugging him close.

"Mmm," he moaned, wrapping his arms round his neck happily. "I love you baby."

"I love you too darling," Ville whispered, kissing him briefly. "Do you want to head to bed now?"

"Yeah."

"Come on then my love."

Shouting goodnight to Phil and Ape to avoid awkward questions, they headed downstairs, got ready for bed and curled up together tightly.

"Love you," Bam whispered, dropping a soft kiss onto Ville's nose.

Chuckling softly, Ville rubbed his nose against his cheek. "I love you too."

@>*~

Ville sat silently in the passenger seat as Bam drove them to the airport to pick up Linde and Mikko. The past couple of days had been tough, Ville having to go through all the legalities involving his mother's death and the funeral, all of it reinforcing the horrible certainty that Annie really was gone and driving Ville deeper into depression.

He was smoking more, eating and sleeping less and had spent too many hours wrapped in his arms just crying. Bam was exhausted and constantly on the edge of tears himself. He was looking forward to seeing their friends again, hopefully they could try and help draw Ville out of himself a bit.

He pulled into the carpark and stopped.

"Baby," he said quietly. Ville continued to stare blindly out of the window. Sighing, he leaned over and kissed his lover's cheek. "Baby, we're here."

Ville blinked, focusing on him. "Oh, right, sorry."

They got out of the car and he had to fight the urge to touch his husband, settling for walking close enough to brush shoulders even though the contact wasn't really nearly enough. They made their way to the arrivals hall and checked the boards. The flight had just touched down and he gently took Ville's elbow to steer him to the gate.

"I love you baby," he whispered, drawing Ville close to lean against him. Ville smiled sadly at him, quickly dropping a kiss onto the top of his head.

"I love you too sweetheart."

Finally, he spotted Linde's tall, thin frame and blond dreads. "Guys!"

They looked up and hurried over. Linde smiled sadly at him, then wrapped his arms round Ville and clung on tightly, burying his face in his neck. Ville burst into tears. Mikko grimaced and gave Bam a quick hug, patting Ville's shoulder.

"How are you?" he asked quietly.

Bam shrugged. "Okay I guess."

"And Ville?"

"Well, look at him." Bam sighed, heart aching at the sight of his husband crying in their friend's arms. Linde was crying too and it just made him feel worse.

"I'm sorry Bam."

"Yeah, me too." Sighing, he put his arm round Ville and eased the two friends apart while Mikko held Linde close. They grabbed the bags and led the two back to the car.

"Do you want to sit with Linde baby?"

Ville wiped his face and shook his head. "I want to sit with you darling."

It was all he could do not to burst into tears himself and he clutched at Ville's arm, leaning up to quickly kiss him. "I love you."

"Guys, you okay?" Mikko asked quietly.

He nodded quickly, screwing up his face for a moment for control. "Yeah, fine. Come on, let's go. Ape is making dinner, we can drop you at the mansion later."

"The mansion?" Linde whispered, going pale.

"Yeah, there's more room there," Bam said quietly as they all got into the car. He started the engine and began to drive home. "Um, Ryan won't be there though."

"Why not?" Mikko asked.

Ville turned in his seat and reached back to pat Linde's knee. "He felt it might be easier on everyone if he stayed with Chad and Deron."

"He's avoiding me you mean," Linde said with a quiet sniff.

"Yeah, that too." Bam looked in the rearview mirror and grimaced. "He still..."

"Don't Bam, please."

"Okay, sorry."

"Let's just get back to the house, Bam," Ville said softly.

"Yeah."

@>*~

"Boys, it's good to see you," Ape said softly, hugging both newcomers. Phil shook their hands when she let them go.

"Come and sit down." She bustled them all into the kitchen and they sat at the table, Ville sliding straight into his lap and snuggling close with a sigh. He reached out and stroked one of Linde's loose dreads. The blond murmured quietly and leaned over, putting his head on Ville's lap.

"Ooh, can I join in too?" Mikko asked.

"Don't tease Migé," Ville said quietly, gently rubbing Linde's scalp.

"Yeah sorry." Mikko grimaced and patted Linde's back gently. "It's good to see you Bam."

"You too Mige."

"How's the tour?"

"The usual, you know, good but I miss Ville and you guys."

"And what about us?" Ape asked archly.

"Of course I miss you too," he snorted, rolling his eyes. "Duh Ape."

"Bam!" Ville said sharply.

"Sorry baby, sorry Ape, you know I miss you and Phil."

"Yes, I suppose we do sweetie, we just don't see you as much as we'd like."

"I know Mom," he said softly. "But every moment we're not working Ville and I have to spend together, you know that."

"Yes, I just don't see why you can't do it here more often."

Linde snorted and started to giggle a little tearfully.

"Linde?"

"They would..." he paused and lifted his head, smiling weakly. "They would definitely be doing it."

Mikko cracked up and Bam was hard pushed not to burst out laughing even as Ville buried his face in his neck, chuckling quietly. Ape looked shocked for a moment then she shrugged, smiling ruefully.

"Yes I suppose so."

"We can't do it here anyway. The band is based in Finland, our marriage is legal in Finland, our home is in Finland, you know that Mom."

"Yes I know honey but a mother always misses her children."

Ville sucked in a sharp breath, face crumpling. He sagged against him for a moment and Bam glared at his mother. "Ape!" he hissed.

"Oh sweetie," Ape gasped, putting her hand over her mouth for a moment. "Oh Ville don't take that the wrong way. She missed you but she was so happy for you. And proud of you."

"Really?" Ville whispered.

She moved round the table and tipped his chin up, stroking his chin gently. "Of course she was, she loved you. To see you happy and doing what you loved made her so happy."

Breath hitching, Ville slid out of his lap and hugged Ape tightly. "Thank you," he whispered.

"You're very welcome honey," she replied, petting his hair gently. "Now please, try and eat something, we're all woried." She whispered something in his ear then let go.

Bam frowned as Ville looked over at him, staring at him for a long moment before his expression saddened and he sat back down in his lap, hugging him tightly.

"I love you so much Bam."

"Well I, I love you too, you know that."

"Yeah, I do." Ville smiled and kissed his cheek. "Let's eat then."

"Really?"

"Yeah. I'm sorry, I know you've been worried."

"You could put it that way."

Sighing, Ville nodded and kissed his cheek.

@>*~

After a quiet meal an spending some time with Mikko and Linde, they'd dropped them off at the mansion and headed home to go straight to bed. The funeral was the next afternoon and neither of them were ready. They curled up together tightly silently, Bam nuzzling gently into Ville's neck and stroking up and down his spine until his lover fell asleep.

A few minutes later, he eased himself out of his husband's arms and got up, heading upstairs to make himself some tea. He hoped it would help him sleep because even though he was exhausted, he was feeling restless and he needed to be strong for Ville. Holding the mug tightly, he leaned back against the counter.

A noise to his side startled him and he glanced over, smiling, heart clenching at the sight of his husband blinking sleepily, hair ruffled and falling in his face.

"Where were you?" Ville whined.

"I just needed a little help to sleep baby." He lifted an arm and Ville shuffled over, sliding up against his side, arms wrapping round his waist, chin resting on his shoulder.

"You look tired darling."

"I am tired baby but that doesn't always mean I can sleep."

"I knoww love but you usually sleep better with me."

Bam smiled softly as Ville leaned forward and kissed his cheek. "Yeah I do, it's just, you know." He shrugged.

"Yes I know sweetheart and you haven't been skating, that can't help."

"I guess not." Sighing quietly, he twisted his head and kissed Ville's forehead."You want some tea baby?"

"No thanks, I just want to be with you."

"Always baby."

"Yes, my darling," Ville murmured against his neck, rubbing his nose just under his ear. "Come back to bed Bam," he whispered, licking his neck, his hand sliding down to his crotch, stroking his dick through the thin cotton of his boxers.

Gasping, Bam shivered, almost dropping the mug as he hardened under his lover's touch. "Fuck baby."

"Sounds like a plan," Ville said, stroking more firmly, fingers curling round his erection.

Putting the mug down quickly, he turned his head awkwardly, kissing his husband, rocking into his hand, groaning loudly when Ville pulled away.

"Baby?" He watched his lover back away slowly, smiling, a dark gleam in his eye as he beckoned to him. His shorts were tented and Bam licked his lips, following, mesmerised by his husband's body and the gentle sway of his cock.

At the door, Ville turned and ran down the stairs to their room and Bam groaned again, squeezing his dick quickly in an attempt to calm himself. He ran down the stairs after his husband, drop-tackling him onto the bed when he caught him, and pinning his arms to the bed.

"It's not nice to tease baby," he murmured, dipping down to kiss his lover, sliding his tongue into his mouth to taste happily.

Ville kissed him hard, pushing up against him and rolling them over.

"Who's teasing darling?" he murmured, leaning down and licking across Bam's lips. "Mmm, you taste good my love." He smirked widely and slid his tongue along his jaw to his ear, nipping the lobe.

Bam gasped, heat spreading from his groin through his body, sparks of need jolting through his nerves. "Baby," he groaned.

"Going to taste you all over love," Ville whispered, hot breath over moistened skin making him shiver. Ville crawled back kissing and licking down the column of his throat, quiet moans vibrating against his skin, soft breath caressing him. Then further down over his chest, lips teasing his nipples into tortured, hard nubs, tongue tickling the lines of his ribs until he was writhing and begging and giggling helplessly.

Ville grinned then dipped down again, pressing sucking kisses down his belly, tongue flicking into his navel as he groaned. "So sweet Bam, so soft."

"Baby please," he gasped desperately, needily. He was aching, groin tight, dick so hard it hurt.

"Nearly there darling," Ville said softly, kneeling up, hand slipping between his legs to palm his cock, leaning over to kiss him gently. "I was saving the best till last."

"Oh really?" Bam managed to pant, rocking up against his husband's hand.

"Oh yes," Ville whispered. "I'm going to lick your cock all over, suck you down until you come and I get the best taste of you."

"Fuck baby," he groaned. "Please Ville, I need you please."

Kneeling back again, Ville licked his lips. "Lift up Bam."

He raised his hips and Ville tugged his boxers down his legs and off, throwing them over the bed. His dick was leaking precome and he was desperate to feel his lover's mouth, warm and wet around his cock.

"Mmm, you look edible my darling." Biting his lip, eyes dark and gleaming, Ville shifted back and leaned down, licking over the pool of precome collecting on his tattoo.

"Tickles baby," he giggled, cock jerking, stomach clenching. Ville chuckled and gently kissed his belly.

"I love you darling."

"I love you too-ooh oh God," he gasped as Ville's mouth sank down his shaft and he swallowed hard. "Fuck!"

Strong tongue worked his length up and down as Ville sucked and swallowed all around him, pleasure built in his groin, tightening his balls. Hands stroked the insides of his thighs, gently scratching his skin adding to the sensations starting to overwhelm him.

"Baby, fuck baby, harder," he begged, hips rocking urgently, thrusting his cock deeper into his lover's mouth. Moaning around his dick, Ville sucked harder, sliding faster up and down, tongue flicking over the head. "Oh. Yes!" Bam cried out, bucking up hard, tension exploding into pleasure that spread through his whole body.

"Mmm, baby," he sighed, watching his husband slowly slide up his cock, kissing the tip gently before sitting up and licking his lips. His eyelids felt heavy and he smiled sleepily at Ville, reaching out a hand. "Love you."

Smiling softly, Ville took his hand and kissed it. He lay down next to him and gathered him into his arms. Bam snuggled in close, eyes closing against his will.

"I love you too sweetheart. Sleep now."

@>*~

The morning had not been a good one. He'd had a brief argument with Ville about eating breakfast, during which his husband had stormed out of the house, sitting outside and smoking steadily, rocking slightly, refusing to talk or go back inside. He had sat outside with the older man in silent support, trying desperately not to lose it, to hold everything together for Ville's sake.

At least after a little while his husband had pulled him close and leaned his head on his shoulder. He'd hesitantly slipped an arm round Ville's waist and taken what comfort he could from the contact.

Finally, Ape called them in to get changed for the funeral. Holding hands, they trailed silently downstairs to their room, stripping down to their boxers. Bam pulled on black slacks and a dark blue shirt and sat on the bed to watch Ville slowly dress similarly, only in a dark burgundy shirt. He fiddled with a tie until Bam stood up, taking the two ends and tying for him.

"Thank you sweetheart," Ville whispered, gently kissing his forehead. Forcing a smile, he bit the inside of his lip hard, trying to control his sudden need to cry.

"Okay," he said quietly. "I just have to go to the bathroom." Ville nodded and sat down to pull on his shoes while he hurried into the bathroom and shut the door. Tears flowed silently as he relieved himself quickly, washed his hands and rinsed the tears from his face, forcing himself to stop crying. He took a deep breath and nodded firmly at his reflection, then headed back to the room.

"Ready?"

Ville sighed. "No but let's go."

Clinging tightly to each other, they went back upstairs, letting Ape and Phil take over, handing them jackets and putting them in the car. The four of them drove to the funeral to meet the rest of friends and family.

@>*~

Ville was holding his hand so tightly it hurt but he welcomed the pain. It was over, eulogies spoken, service done. Ville was crying silently, Mikko was holding Linde, both of them crying quietly, Ape was sobbing in Phil's arms all of it filling him with unutterable despair.

Annie was really gone and as the curtains closed for the coffin to be taken for cremation he just couldn't hold it back any longer.

Pain and grief flooded him and he convulsed, biting his lip so hard he could taste blood in an attempt to hold back the sobs.

"Bam?"

He burst into tears, crumpling to the floor, heaving sobs racking his body painfully. Ville's arms wrapped round him, face burying in his neck. Hot tears scalded his skin and he clung to his husband desperately.

"I'm sorry," he gasped. "So sorry."

"Oh darling, why?"Ville whispered, breath hitching.

"Because I... because I..." He stopped, shaking his head, unable to continue. His chest was tight and it felt like he couldn't breathe.

"My love, my Bam." Ville cried into his neck desperately, his breath starting to sound too fast and too shallow. Worry made him pull back, hands sliding down to pat his pockets. There was no familiar bulge of inhaler and he stared at his lover.

"You stupid fuck!" he gasped, smacking Ville hard, face crumpling up with tears again. He dug in his own pocket and slapped the spare inhaler into his husband's hand. "What are you trying to do to me?"

Sucking down a shot of medication, Ville stared at him, eyes welling with more tears. "I forgot."

"You forgot?" His breath shuddered uncontrollably out of his lungs. "How could you forget?"

"I've had a lot on my mind Bam," Ville snapped.

"And you think I haven't?" Bam shouted, dashing the tears from his eyes. "Fuck Ville, I can't do this, I can't hold it all together any more. I hurt so bad, I hurt for you and for my mom." He sucked in a sobbing breath, curling in on himself. "I hurt baby."

"Oh sweetheart." Ville enfolded him in a tight embrace, kissing his temple, his ear, his cheek and gently kissing his lips. "I love you so much, so very much." He sniffed and gently wiped his cheeks, tilting his face up to kiss him again. "I'm so sorry Bam."

"Why?" he whispered. "You've got nothing to be sorry for baby."

"Yeah I have," Ville smiled sadly. "I've been selfish, so wrapped up in my own grief I didn't realise just how much you were hurting too."

"I just wanted... needed to take care of you, it's just, she..." Tears closed his throat aagain and he clung to his husband.

"You miss her."

"Yeah, I loved her."

"I know, oh my darling, I know and she loved you too, so much." Ville stroked his face gently. "You don't have to be strong for me Bam, just love me."

"You know I do," he said softly, leaning up to kiss away his lover's tears. "Always and forever Ville, I love you."

Nuzzling his cheek gently first, Ville moved, kissing his lips softly. "You're my everything, thank you for taking care of me."

He hugged his husband tightly and kissed him back. "Honey, we should go."

"Yeah I know," Ville sighed, stroking his hair.

He looked up, surprised to see that they were almost completely alone. His father was sitting by the door looking tired and sad.

"Hey Phil," he said quietly. "Where'd everybody go."

"We figured you needed some space."

"Ape okay?"

"Jess is taking care of her, I thought I'd wait and drive you home."

Bam smiled at his father, standing slowly and helping his husband to his feet. "Thanks Dad."

Phil nodded. "Come on my boys," he said softly, putting his arms round them both. He led them to the car and drove them back to the house.

@>*~

The wake was quiet and sombre. Most of the crew, including Mikko, had gathered outside by the ramps with beers. Ape's and Annie's group of friends were congregated in the kitchen drinking wine. Everyone was quiet and solemn when they saw them and Bam moved closer to his lover, feeling oddly nervous.

Ape moved over to them and took their hands, leading them to the sitting room.

"Ape, what's going on?" he asked hesitantly.

"Feeling better?" she asked, ignoring his question.

"A little, I guess."

"I have something for you both," she said softly. "From Annie."

"Wh-what?" Ville gasped, blinking rapidly. Bam slipped an arm round his waist and hugged him tightly.

"She wanted me to give you both this letter after the funeral," Ape said with a sad smile. She held out an envelope. Ville stared for a moment then took it from her, hand shaking.

"You want to go downstairs baby?"

Ville nodded, trembling against him. He drew his husband down to their room and they sat on the bed. Putting the envelope on the pillow, Ville looked at him.

"Baby?"

"I don't know if... if I can..."

"Why don't we," Bam paused, taking a deep breath. "Why don't we get comfortable and cuddle."

"Yeah," Ville whispered.

They got up again and stripped down to their shorts, then curled up on the bed together.

"Do you want me to open it baby?"

"Please love."

He took the envelope, smiling when he saw it was addressed 'To My Boys'. Opening it slowly, he took out the letter, leaning over to drop the envelope on the bedside table.

"Okay," he said, taking a deep breath and unfolding the letter.

'My darling boys,' he read. 'Please don't be sad. These past few years have been wonderful and I've been so happy. I couldn't have asked for more.'

Bam paused, breath hitching as Ville curled closer and buried his face in his neck, tears soaking into his hair.

'Bam, you have been a joy and a blessing, not just to my son but to me. You have a big heart and a generous soul. I love you as dearly as if you were my own son and I know you'll take care of Ville for me.'

He had to stop, tears welling again. Ville stroked his chest gently and lifted his head slightly to kiss his cheek.

"See," Ville whispered. "She loved you so much."

"Oh baby." He swallowed hard and nodded. "Sorry."

"Don't be. Keep reading, please."

"Yeah." Sniffing, he licked his lips and continued.

'My darling Ville, I don't know if I can really explain how happy I've been for you seeing you live again, seeing you happy and in love and following your dreams. That's all a mother can hope for. You're a beautiful, thoughtful, wonderful boy and I love you so much. Never give up on your dreams, never compromise and never forget how much Bam loves you and how lucky you both are to have each other.

'And Bam, stop trying to be strong for Ville, let him support you as much as I know you're supporting him, okay?'

Bam stopped again, smiling sadly. "God Ville, I miss her."

"Yeah I know," Ville whispered, his tears flowing down his neck. "I love you Bam."

"I love you too. Want me to finish?"

"Yes love."

'I have one last request my dear boys. I would like you to scatter my ashes, half over the garden so I'm always home and half over Jesse's grave. I know it'll be hard got you to go to Oulu but I've missed him so much. I love you both, be happy my boys, I am.'

He leaned over and carefully placed the letter on the envelope then wrapped his husband up in a tight hug. Ville cried quietly into his neck, holding him close.

"I love you baby," he whispered.

Breath hitching quietly, Ville lifted his head and kissed him, soft and deep and slightly desperate, tongue licking slowly into his mouth. Cupping his husband's cheek, Bam kissed back tenderly, reverently, trying not to get turned on from his lover's touch. Until Ville rolled on top of him, kneeling astride him and staring down at him with so much love it almost made him want to cry again.

"You are so beautiful, my Bam," Ville whispered, stroking random patterns over hs chest, brushing lightly over his nipples.

It felt like Ville's fingers were burning need into him as they trailed over his skin and his cock hardened under his lover's ass. Moaning quietly, Ville rocked against him gently, then started to shift back.

"You fill my heart, my darling, you fill my life," he whispered, stroking his stomach and his hips. "Lift up my love."

Breathing in shakily, he raised his hips and let his husband pull off his underwear. Ville stripped off his shorts and slowly crawled up his body again, fingertips caressing calves, knees and up the inside of his thighs, making him shiver.

"Baby..."

"Hush love," Ville said softly, straddling his thighs, his cock hard and beautiful. He bent over, kissing him gently, reaching past his head for the lube. "I need you darling," he whispered, squeezing the clear gel into his hand. Bam groaned in surprise and lust when his lover stroked the lube over his cock. "Need you to fill me."

"Anything for you Ville," he breathed, swallowing hard and watching his husband as he leant over again and reached back to prepare himself. "Oh baby please," he gasped, desperately needing to be inside his lover, to connect with him, feel him.

"I love you Bam," Ville whispered, kissing him again as he slid his hand down to his cock, holding him upright. Ville lowered himself, intense heat squeezing tightly round him.

"Oh fuck baby I love you too," he gasped, clasping his lover's slim hips to gently ease him all the way down onto his cock. Ville leaned back.

"Sit up love, please."

"Of course I will." He pushed up, both of them shifting until they were sitting up together. Ville wrapped arms and legs round him and met his gaze, love and tenderness shining in his eyes.

"Oh love," he murmured. "Feels so good having you inside me." Ville rocked against him slowly, back and forth, groaning quietly.

"Yeah Ville, oh God," Bam grunted, stroking his husband's cheek and kissing him softly. "Almost as good as you being inside me."

Eyes shining, Ville kissed him back urgently, rocking harder against him, squeezing tightly round his cock. "What did I do right to deserve you?"

Bam gasped, lust piercing him to the core and love tightened his chest. He clasped Ville's hip harder, pulling him closer.

"You did... oh God... everything right," he whispered, thrusting into his husband more urgently. Need and pleasure built in his groin, he ached to come, to see and feel his beloved husband come all round him. "Especially loving me... ah fuck," he gasped. "You make everything right, you make my life good and beautiful and I love you so much." He kissed Ville desperately hard, tongue pushing into his mouth as he slipped his arms round his waist, pressing his hands into the small of his back to rock him harder over his cock.

Ville groaned loudly, ass clenching down around him, cock sliding slickly against his stomach. They kissed hard and deep, mouths fused, tongues tangling together as they thrust and rocked.

Pulling back again, Ville buried his face in his neck, tears hot against his skin. "I love you too."

"Oh Ville!" Bittersweet pleasure exploded through his body and he bucked up, coming hard into the depths of his lover's body.

"Bam," Ville sobbed quietly.

"It's okay baby," he panted. "It's okay, I got you." Easing a hand between their bodies, he gripped his lover's cock and stroked tight and fast. "Come for me baby, I love you."

"Oh Bam!" Ville cried out softly, shaking him, hot seed flooding his hand and stomach. "Oh Bam," he repeated, clinging to him tightly, still crying. "I don't know what I'd do without you."

"Don't think about that."

"But I..."

"You're not without me and you never will be baby," he whispered, kissing his temple. Ville hugged him tighter.

"Promise me."

"I promise." He eased his lover back and took his hands, kissing the tattoo on his wrist and then his ring. "I'll catch every piece and I'll never let go."

Smiling tremulously, Ville kissed him, quick and soft. "I love you Bam. Will you come to Oulu with me?"

"Of course I will honey."

Carefully, he rolled them over on the bed, his softened cock slipping out of Ville's body. They curled up tightly and he kissed his husband's forehead, stroking his hair gently.

"Sleep baby," he whispered.

end

Epilogue

VamRPS