Blind

Ville stirred. Why was he moving? Hadn't he fallen asleep at the hotel with Bam?

"Wha's going on?" he muttered sleepily, eyes barely opening a crack.

"Nothing," Bam said from beside him. "Go back to sleep, you need it."

"Mm'kay," Ville murmured, curling up, Bam one of the few people he trusted enough to fall asleep with. His eyes closed again and he slowly drifted back to sleep.

@>*~

"Ville," Bam whispered, shaking him gently.

"Huh? What?" Ville woke with a start, panicked momentarily until he felt soothing hands on his cheeks and smelt the familiar light cologne of his best friend. "Bam?"

"Yeah Willa, come on, we're here."

"Where?"

"Here." Bam snickered at him and he blinked, forcing himself a bit more awake so he could look round. They were surrounded by forest, a muddy trail they must have driven down the only gap in all the trees except for the clearing they were parked in. He turned slowly, raising an eyebrow at the tiny wooden cabin.

"Where's here Bammie?" he asked a little more firmly.

"You don't need to know that," Bam said nonchalantly, getting out and opening the back door of the Range Rover they were in.

Ville blinked again. "I beg your pardon?"

"Just help me with these boxes and let's get inside."

"Fine," he sighed, getting out of the car, taking a box from the younger man and carrying it over to the cabin. Bam hefted his box to one arm and dug in his jeans pocket, pulling out a key to unlock the door. They went inside and Bam gestured for him to put the box on the counter in the tiny kitchenette, part of the one room. Bam hurried out and brought in another two boxes as Ville picked through the contents. It was all food. Lots of food.

"Bam, there's enough here to feed an army."

"Nope, enough for us two for a week."

"A week." He stared blankly at his friend. "A week? Are you insane, I can't stay here a week." He had commitments, record company stuff, interviews, the usual crap.

"Tough shit Ville, we're staying here for a week." He headed back to the door. "Don't bother trying to call anyone, I left your cell at the hotel and there's no signal on mine. I'll be right back, I just need to switch on the generator."

Ville stared at the door in disbelief. What the hell did Bam mean? They couldn't stay in the cabin for a week, what about cigarettes, booze, his fricking asthma?! Digging through the boxes, he sighed in relief when he found several cartons of Marlboro Lights.

"Like I'd make you go without cigs man," Bam said with a chuckle as he re-entered the cabin and shut the door, dropping two bags next to it. He flipped a switch by the door, turning on the light, then walked over to him. "Want to help me unpack?" He started to pull tins and packets of food from the boxes, sticking them in one of the cupboards.

"Bam." Ville waited but his friend carried on unpacking, "Bam."

"I'm listening."

"Bam, what the hell is going on? Where are we and why are we here?"

The skater glanced at him briefly, continuing to unpack the boxes. "You remember a while back I told you I had a secret place to escape to?"

"Yes."

"This is it."

"You think I needed to escape?"

Bam stopped and cocked an eyebrow at him. "I don't think, I know. I'm your friend remember? I know you." He sighed suddenly, looking down and rubbing his brow. "I got an advanced copy of the Kerrang article."

"Oh." Ville sat down by the tiny table. "I was having a bad week, that's all."

"Notice how frequent your bad weeks have been lately?" Bam asked softly.

"It's touring Bammie," he said, resting his chin on his hand. "I'm tired, probably drinking and smoking a bit too much..."

"A bit?"

"Okay fine, way too much. It's not like you don't know what it's like."

Sighing softly, Bam sat in front of him, leaning forward and putting his hands on his knees. "I know what you're like. You push it too hard, you try too hard and sometimes you let it all get to you too much."

"It's my job, Bam."

"It's not your job to half kill yourself asshole. You know, some of us care about you, some of us can't stand seeing you run yourself into the ground and I've had enough of it," Bam snapped at him. "You are taking a break this week and that is final."

"I get no say?"

"Nope. You're going to get fresh air, good food and sleep and you are going to like it." Bam nodded curtly and stood up again, finishing unpacking the boxes. He put the cigarettes on the table along with a lighter. "You smoke outside and before you ask, I didn't bring any booze so deal with it."

Pouting mildly, Ville nodded. "I suppose I'll have to, won't I?"

"Yup." Bam grinned. "You hungry?"

"A little," he said. "But I'm actually still a bit tired."

"Well, why don't you sleep for a bit while I cook something?"

"Sleep where?" Ville asked, glancing around. Apart from the table he was sitting at, there was only a couch, a small coffee table and two doors across from them. Bam grinned brightly and headed for the couch. He moved the cushions and yanked out a bedbase, already made up.

"It's clean so shut your mouth."

Ville snapped his jaw shut and watched his friend head to a door in the far wall, which turned out to be a cupboard, and pull out pillows and blankets.

"Bathroom's this one," Bam said, knocking on the second door next to it.

"Um, okay." Getting up, Ville made a quick trip to the bathroom. When he came out, the bed was made and Bam was looking far too comfortable in the kitchen.

"Okay, who are you and what have you done with my Bam?" he asked, toeing off his shoes and stripping off jeans and jacket.

"Your Bam?"

"You know what I mean." He sat on the bed, pushing back the covers.

"Sure whatever."

"Bam?" Ville frowned at him. "What does that mean?"

"Nothing." The skater shook his head and directed a slightly forced looking smile at him. "I can cook you know, it's just usually only for myself."

Deciding not to push his friend for now, he grinned, "So I guess I should feel honoured, huh?"

"Damn right," Bam said with a chuckle. "Now go to sleep."

"I'll try."

"Don't try, just sleep."

Lying down, burrowing under the covers and hugging a pillow close, he watched his young friend cook until his eyelids grew too heavy. He really must have been tired to be this close to sleep without alcohol.

@>*~

Waking up with a bitten off scream, Ville sat up, gasping for breath, reaching frantically for his inhaler. But he wasn't in his hotel room and his inhaler wasn't to hand.

"Ville, easy, easy, here." Bam appeared next to him and pressed his inhaler into his hand. Gentle fingers stroked his hair as he sucked down his meds and his panic eased with his chest.

"Still getting the dreams huh?"

"Yeah," Ville whispered, leaning against his friend, letting his continued touch sooth him. There were times when he only felt comfortable with a handful of people and Bam would probably have been surprised if he knew he topped that list of people, even over family, even over his two lovely Mikkos. Jonna had barely made the list when they were still together.

"You want to talk about it?"

"Not right now."

"Okay." Bam clenched his fingers in his hair for a moment, pulling his head back. He kissed his forehead and let go. "Hungry?"

"Yeah." Ville smiled softly at his friend, grateful that he was one of only three people who knew when to push and when to back off. Bam, Migé and Linde, the three most important people in his life, his adopted family, his brothers. Well, he'd called Bam his brother in interviews because he wasn't entirely sure how to describe their relationship.

"You'd better set the table then."

"Bammie," he whined. "I thought this was supposed to be a break."

"You lazy fucker," Bam snorted. "Fine, I'll set the table. You've got time for a cig if you need one."

"Thanks." He caught the pack and lighter tossed his way and pulled on his pants before heading outside. Sitting on the step, he lit up and took a long drag with a sigh of satisfaction as the nicotine hit gave him a slight headrush. His chest constricted for a moment and he coughed.

"You okay?" Bam called from inside.

"Yeah, my lungs take longer to wake up than I do."

"I bet," Bam snorted, opening the door and looking down at him.

"Yes, thank you, I've heard it all before," he sighed, drawing in another lungful of smoke.

"Did I say anything?" Bam asked archly.

"No, I was merely pre-empting you."

"Really." Bam raised an eyebrow. "Who said I was going to say anything at all?"

"Okay, fine, you don't usually nag," he conceded, reaching up to take the younger man's hand. Bam squeezed gently. "But I know you don't approve."

"Not really, no but I do understand addiction."

"Really."

"Adrenaline, endorphins." Bam let go of his hand and sat next to him. "Among other things."

"Other things?" Ville glanced sidelong at his friend. "What other things? You don't do drugs."

"No, I don't." Bam shrugged but didn't seem inclined to explain. "Finish your smoke man, I'm hungry."

"Okay, okay." A couple more quick puffs and he stubbed it out. He didn't want to just flick the butt away so he took it with him as he followed Bam back inside.

"Trashcan's under the sink."

Throwing away the butt, he sat down opposite Bam and smiled in pleasant surprise at the edible looking meal in front of him.

"Well? Dig in." Bam quirked a smile at him.

"I don't know if I can eat this much."

"Try," Bam said firmly. "I told you if you ever got as skinny as you were during the Solitary Man shoot again I was going to feed you up."

Ville grimaced, feeling self-conscious. "I'm not that skinny."

"Not quite Willa, but when I can count your ribs just by looking, that's when I start to worry."

"You worry too much," Ville said, reaching across the table. Bam took his hand again, playing with his fingers, not meeting his eyes.

"Yeah well, I love you so deal with it."

"Thank you."

Bam looked up in surprise. "What for?"

"Caring enough to well, care for me."

Rolling his eyes, Bam smacked his hand. "Like you wouldn't do the same."

"Only for you Bammie."

"Really?" Bam's quiet, pleased tone surprised him and he nodded.

"Of course. You know I love you too, you're my best friend."

"Yeah," Bam's smile looked a little forced again. "We're BFFs."

"BFFs?"

"Best friends forever." The younger man laughed and started to eat, still not quite looking at him.

Frowning in slight confusion, Ville started to eat, mixing the sauce into the pasta, chewing each mouthful slowly. He got about halfway through before he had to give up.

"Sorry Bam, it's lovely but I can't finish it."

The skater finally looked up. "Sure?"

"Yeah."

"Okay but you wash up."

Ville tried the pout that usually got him out of doing anything but Bam just shook his head.

"No way man, that's so not going to work."

"Damn," Ville sighed, getting up and taking his plate to the sink. "Since when could you resist the pout?"

Bam snickered at him. "Ville, the pout never worked, I just let you have your way because..."

"Because?"

"Because you're you and I like to, that's all."

"You do huh?"

"Yeah."

"Really?" Ville leaned against the counter and folded his arms over his chest.

"Yes okay? Dude, let it go, what's the problem?"

"Nothing, it's just you usually like to get your own way."

"Yeah, usually." Bam shrugged. "But I kinda am getting my own way when I let you get yours."

Ville was really confused now. "I don't get it."

"What's to get? You're my friend, I love you, I like doing stuff for you. Now can I finish eating?"

"I..." Ville shrugged, turning back to the sink. "Okay." He washed up in silence, lost in thought. Bam was concerned about him, he understood that but why was he acting so strangely? He'd have to wait, there was no point in trying to push the younger man to talk, it was the surest way to make him clam up.

Bam got up and brought his plate over, bumping his hip gently. Ville turned his head to look at his friend's profile and bent to kiss his cheek.

"Thanks," he whispered.

"You're welcome," Bam said softly.

Sitting back at the table, he looked up at his friend. "So you're really keeping me here for a week?"

"Yup." Bam sat opposite him again. "No complaining or whining, I won't be swayed."

"I don't whine."

"Yeah you do." Bam grinned at him. "But Bammie, I wanna drink," he whined, imitating him. "That's what you said last night."

"Okay fine, maybe I whine a bit." Bam chuckled. "Does anyone know you've abducted me?"

"Ooh harsh, Willa, that's a bit strong isn't it?"

"Well, it's what you did."

"I think of it as more of an intervention," Bam said quietly.

Ville stiffened slightly. "You don't think that's a little harsh?"

"No, not really." Sighing, Bam cocked his head to the side and stared at him seriously. "I don't mean I think you're an alcoholic, no matter what you say, because I don't. I think you tend in that direction sometimes but that's not why I 'abducted' you."

"Why then?" Ville whispered, focusing his gaze on the cosmic pope permanently etched on his friend's forearm.

"Because you don't know when to take a break, Ville and I've seen you go and go and go until your body just shuts down and you end up in hospital barely breathing. Well not this time buddy, not if I can stop you."

"Bammie," Ville sighed. "I know you're trying to help but..."

"But what?" Bam exclaimed. "You need a break. How do you expect to get decent sleep, eat properly, maybe even break your writer's block if you don't take a little time off."

"I eat fine."

"You sleeping fine?"

"Better than I was," he said quietly. It really couldn't have got any worse than it had been earlier in the year.

"But not much, you realise you slept like sixteen hours today."

"You know I'm having trouble dropping off and my asthma isn't helping," he said defensively.

"It's a vicious cycle man."

"What is?"

"You can't sleep so you drink and smoke till you pass out, then you wake up not breathing and that scares you so much you don't want to sleep so you have to drink to pass out which means you smoke too much and that's why you wake up not breathing and then..."

"Enough Bam," Ville snapped, getting to his feet and striding back outside. He yanked the cigarette pack viciously from his pocket, cursing when it flew out of his hand scattering white sticks of portable death over the ground. Shivering wth a mixture of anger and pain, he crouched down, picking one up, sticking the filter between his lips and lighting up quickly. He inhaled slowly, holding the smoke in his chest until he started to choke.

"You know, you can be such a girl when you don't want to hear the truth." Bam sat on the step and shoved him with one foot, Ville sprawled onto the groung and lay back with a sigh.

"A girl?"

"Yeah."

"I think I'm really insulted."

Bam snickered. "Get up, it's probably damp, don't want you catching cold." He leaned over, holding out his hand.

Ville contemplated his friend. Bam was right, he wasn't good at hearing the truth sometimes. That didn't mean he was going to let the younger man get away with knocking him on his ass though. He took Bam's hand and yanked hard, pulling him over and on top of him. Instead of the playfight he was expecting, Bam just stared down at him, wide-eyed, mouth opening and tongue sliding out over his bottom lip.

Staring up, Ville breathed in slowly, chest tightening but not from his asthma. "Uh Bam?"

"Oh um." Bam cleared his throat and got up quickly, wiping his hands on the back of his jeans. "I guess you surprised me or something."

Ville sat up, glancing briefly at his cigarette that he'd managed to hold onto, sighing when he saw it had burned to the filter. "I surprised you? That was the oldest trick in the book, and you rewrote the book."

He picked up a cigarette that they hadn't squashed and looked round for a lighter. Bam waved it in front of him then flicked the flint and cupped his hand round the flame. Raising an eyebrow in mild surprise and slight wariness, Ville leaned forward, cupping his hand round the other side, fingertips grazing Bam's wrist as he sucked on the end of the cigarette, inhaling smoke with a sigh.

Bam's hand shook and he dropped it quickly. "Get up off the ground Ville, seriously, it gets cold fast out here."

"Move over then." Ville got up and waited for his friend to shift before sitting on the step next to him. "You okay?"

"Yeah." Bam nodded, staring down at his feet.

"You know, you never answered me."

"About what?"

"Does anyone know you've brought me here?"

"Not exactly." Bam cleared his throat, examining his nails very closely.

"Not exactly?" Ville sighed. "You know, Seppo is going to have a fit."

"It'll be fine."

"How? Do you know how much trouble you could get into? That I could get into? Do you want another felony on your record?"

"Oh come on, you wouldn't press charges would you?"

"No, that wouldn't stop Seppo or the record company though." He sighed. "Do you know how much trouble I got into getting arrested Bam?"

"Yeah I know, and you don't want to reach that point again, do you?"

He dropped his head on the younger man's shoulder and sighed. "No, not really."

"So just enjoy some time off, I'll deal with it if there's any backlash."

"What do you mean if?" Ville said with a snort, lifting his head again.

"Well, I'm hoping Linde will have smoothed things over by the time we get back."

"Linde knows about this?" he exclaimed, finishing his cigarette and lighting another.

"Not exactly." Bam snorted softly, lips pressing together like he was trying not to laugh.

"What do you mean, not exactly?"

"Well, we were talking about you and he jokingly said someone needed to kidnap you and force you to rest. I thought it was a great idea, so I did."

"And you think Linde will realise?"

"Yeah, well, the note I left will do the trick if he doesn't." Bam grinned at him, the light from inside the cabin making his hair glow like a halo. Not quite able to stop himself, Ville reached out and ruffled Bam's hair gently.

"What did it say?"

"Took your advice, see you in a week," Bam murmured, leaning into his touch, eyes sliding closed as he sighed quietly.

"Did you sign it?" Ville asked, smiling, rubbing Bam's scalp, his heart feeling warmer than it had in months.

"Nah, they'll recognise my writing."

"If they can read your writing." It really was getting cold, like Bam had warned and it was already pitch black. "Come on, let's go inside."

"Yeah, I'll get the fire going."

"Wonderful," Ville sighed happily, following him inside, locking the door behind them.

Bam knelt in front of the woodburner and looked back at him. "You're locking the door?"

"I watch horror movies, I'm not tempting fate."

"What's going to happen?" Bam asked with a laugh. "I come here on my own all the time and it was fine."

"You come here on your own?" Ville found that very hard to believe. Bam craved company, he needed people and noise. "You hate to be on your own."

"Not so much anymore," Bam murmured, looking away to fiddle with the fire. "Sometimes I just need some space to breathe."

"You ever bring anyone else up here?" Ville asked softly, his anticipation a little more tense than he wanted to admit.

"No." Bam shook his head slowly. "You're the only person I'd share this with, the others wouldn't understand."

Letting out his breath quietly, his sense of relief sharper than it should have been, Ville smiled. "Flatterer."

"Come on man," Bam sighed. "You know you're the only one who gets all of me."

"Bammie," Ville sighed, moving to the bed and sitting on the edge. He reached out with his foot, stroking a toe down the younger man's spine. "You know it goes both ways."

Bam shivered visibly and he made a noise Ville could have sworn for a moment was a groan. It resonated under his skin and he swallowed, pulling his foot back quickly.

"Fire," Bam said suddenly, a little loudly.

"Huh?"

"I uh," Bam cleared his throat and turned round, sitting on the floor in front of him. "Fire's lit."

"Good." Ville scratched his head, feeling a little awkward. "Is there anything to do?"

"We can play cards. There's a few books if you want to read. Maybe we could go for a walk tomorrow."

"You mean, you come here on your won and there's no TV or video games, no... no music?" He couldn't go a week without music and he'd thought Bam couldn't either.

"There's a speaker hook up for my iPod, don't worry." Bam smiled up at him. "I wouldn't make you go without music Willa, come on."

"Thanks." He smiled back at his friend. "Get on the bed Bammie, let's play some cards."

"'Kay. You want some music on?"

"As long as it's not HIM."

"Ville..."

"No Bam, I don't want to be stuck here listening to my own voice. Come on please." He pulled the pout out of habit and Bam chuckled, reaching up and running his finger over his bottom lip. It was like an electric shock and Ville pulled back, catching a flash of hurt in Bam's eyes with heartfelt regret.

"Okay, I'll uh, I'll put something different on."

Ville stared after his friend in slight confusion. Everything was normal one minute then weird the next and he didn't know exactly how he felt about it. He licked his lip slowly, belly tightening at the slight taste of his friend he could discern. It was all a little too much for him right them and he shook his head, trying to clear the feeling that he was at the brink of something major.

Music he didn't recognise at all started to play softly and he turned on the bed, crossing his legs as Bam joined him, sitting opposite.

"What's this?"

"Just a country singer I quite like."

"Since when do you like country?"

"I don't, just this album."

"Why?"

"What do you mean why? I just like it," Bam exclaimed. "Shut up and let's play."

"Okay, okay. Deal already."

@>*~

After a few games, Ville was having trouble keeping his eyes open and it felt strange to be sober in that situation.

"Okay, bedtime dude, let's go." Bam nudged his knee gently.

"Yeah okay," Ville sighed, too tired to make any complaint.

Bam got up and opened one of the bags. "Here's your stuff."

"Thank you." Ville used the bathroom quickly, relieving himself, washing hands and face and brushing his teeth. He went back into the main room and grabbed his jacket.

"You going for a smoke?"

"Yeah why?"

"Just asking." Bam shrugged slowly. "Close the door, keep the warm in okay?"

"Okay." Ville unlocked the door and went outside, closing it behind him. He shivered lightly. It was nothing compared to Helsinki but he wasn't drunk and Bam was right, he wasn't in the best of health. He lit up quickly, tucking one hand under his arm as he sucked hard on the end of the cigarette, holding his other arm close to his chest to keep a bit warmer.

Huddling over his knees, he smoked a little quicker than he breathed so he could get back inside and get warm. He stubbed out the butt and tucked it into the corner of the step before he quickly went back into the cabin, locking the door again.

Bam was lying in the bed on his back, arms crossed behind his head, staring up at the ceiling. Ville swallowed. They shared beds all the time, drunk and sober, why was this situation making him feel almost nervous about it this time?

"Come on man, strip off and get in here," Bam said softly, turning his head to meet his gaze. "You look cold."

"Not as bad as home."

"Get a move on Valo, I know you're tired and I know you're cold."

"Yeah all right." Ville shook his head and stripped down to t-shirt and shorts, sliding into the bed beside his best friend. The warmth from Bam's body seeped through his skin and he sighed, shifting closer to absorb more.

"Fuck your feet are freezing," Bam gasped, covering them with his own. "Come here you idiot." He dragged Ville closer, wrapping strong arms round him. He finally relaxed, warmth and a sense of safety from the familiar scent and feel of his friend combining to soothe and he closed his eyes.

"Goodnight sweetheart."

"'Night Ville."

@>*~

When he woke, he was gasping for breath, chest tight and burning. "Bam!" he gasped.

"Shh, shh," Bam said, sitting him up and stroking his chest gently. "It's okay baby, calm down." He pressed his inhaler into his hand and Ville quickly sucked down a shot of his medication, collapsing into his friend's arms as his lungs eased and he started to breathe again. Bam murmured quietly, stroking his hair and kissing his temple until he felt vaguely normal again.

"Okay?" Bam asked softly.

"Yeah." Ville sat up again, scrubbing his hair back and sighing. "Thank you."

"Hey, it's what I'm here for."

"To look after me?"

"I don't look after you dude, you're a grown up. I'm just here for you to lean on if you need to." Squeezing his neck gently, Bam got up, rubbing his eyes and heading for the bathroom.

Ville stared after him. His friend was always there for him. Even when they were on opposite sides of the planet, he knew he could call Bam anytime, for whatever reason. And he'd never been freaked out by his asthma, had always been there to hold him, calm him and help him without even being asked.

He distinctly remembered the first time he'd had an asthma attack when they were alone. Bam had been calm and collected and seemed to know exactly what to do. Ville had never questioned it before but now he was curious as to why; and why the younger man only called him baby when he was having an attack.

Grabbing his pants from where he'd dropped them the night before, he slid them on and headed for the door.

"Valo, no cigs."

He stopped at the door and looked back. Bam was leaning against the bathroom doorframe, arms crossed over his chest, half concealing his new tattoo. His hair was damp round his temples and he was frowning.

Ville put his hands on his hips, feeling defensive, which usually meant reacting angrily. "I thought I was a grown up."

"So did I."

"What's that supposed to mean?"

"You woke up barely breathing and you're going straight out for a cigarette? Yeah real grown up."

"So much for not looking after me."

"You know what? Fuck you man, you want to kill yourself, go ahead, just don't do it around me okay?" Bam went back into the bathroom, slamming the door.

"I'm going to go for a cigarette now," Ville yelled. "When you remove your head from your ass, come find me." He stormed out of the cabin, furious, although he wasn't sure with whom, himself or Bam. Walking away from the cabin, he opened the car door and sat in the passenger seat, one leg hanging outside. He lit up, taking a deep drag quickly. The smoke filled his lungs, tightening the passages immediately.

"Oh fuck," he whispered. Of course, he'd left his inhaler in the cabin. Coughing harshly, he dropped the cigarette and levered himself out of the car, lungs burning as he tried to draw breath. He reached the step and sat down heavily.

"Bam," he wheezed, barely getting the word out. Feet appeared next to him then Bam crouched down and put the inhaler in his mouth none too gently. Ville grabbed it, squirting medicine down his throat.

"You're a fucking idiot, you know that?"

"Fuck off," he gasped.

"Fine whatever." Bam got up but Ville reached up and grabbed his hand. Sighing, Bam sat down next to him, squeezing his fingers.

"There's got to be less painful ways to stop breathing, Ville."

He almost laughed. "I don't think just holding your breath really works though Bam."

"It's not funny you know."

"I know."

"I'm serious Ville, you gotta stop hurting yourself."

"Contrary to opinion, it's not deliberate."

"Right, you just keep doing things you know are bad for you and it's not deliberate."

"Bammie..."

"Don't Bammie me man, this is not a joking matter. Do you have any idea how I felt reading that damned article? It made me feel like I'd failed you."

Ville's chest clenched in an entirely different way. "Failed me? Bam, I..."

"You do know I'm here for you, don't you?" Bam continued, looking and sounding more upset. "Anytime you need to talk or, fuck, you must know I'd drop everything and come to you wherever you were if you asked."

"Bam shut up." Ville shook his head trying to think straight. The younger man stopped, lips pressing together in a tight line. "You've never failed me, okay? You know how I get sometimes, I don't want to talk to anyone not you, not my family, not even the band and they're right there. I'm sorry Bam, I guess I'm not very good at leaning on my friends."

"I'm not just comic relief you know?" Bam said softly. "Not just a drinking buddy. I love you, I want to be here for you when things are bad, serious, dark or whatever, as well as the good times."

"You've never just been comic relief," Ville said firmly. "I love you too, you're my brother and..." He trailed off as Bam's face dropped, emotions flashing in his eyes so fast he couldn't quite pace any of them.

"I'm not your brother."

"Bam?"

"I don't want to be your brother Ville, I want..." He stopped abruptly, going pale.

"You don't?" Ville whispered in shock, his friend's words causing a mixture of hurt and elation.

"No." Bam stood up again, hurrying back inside. This time Ville didn't stop him, staring out into the trees, wondering what the hell was going on.

He'd always assumed that was what Bam had wanted. Okay, so their relationship had never had the same brotherly feeling he got with Jesse, Migé or Linde, but then again he wasn't attracted to any of them, but he'd still thought Bam had wanted that, something more than friendship. Which left two questions, one, if Bam didn't want to be his brother, what did he want and two, where did that leave him?

Risking his friend's anger and his own complaining lungs, Ville lit another cigarette, walking over to the car to make sure the one he'd dropped was properly out, inhaling slowly so he didn't aggravate his chest further.

Coughing quietly, he sat in the car again, facing out of the door to stare at the cabin. Bam was his friend, his best friend really, even above the Mikkos. Of everyone he knew, Bam was the one who really got him. They could argue, even have screaming matches but it never changed the fact that they really cared about each other, loved each other and fights were always forgotten in an instant, neither of them ever too proud to say sorry.

If only his other relationships were as easy. They probably would have made a great couple if Bam hadn't been straight. He hadn't thought about Bam as anything more than a very good friend since they'd first met and the younger man's shyness, awe and sweetness had turned him on. Not that Bam didn't still turn him on, it just hadn't been a factor, they were friends, had been with other people and neither of them were the cheating type.

He needed to be careful not to start down that road; unrequited love was good for his writing but bad for his heart.

He finished his cigarette and stubbed it out, picking up the butt from the night before and the one he'd dropped to throw away inside. Bam was still in the bathroom and he knocked on the door.

"Any chance of getting in there today?"

The door opened. Bam still looked pale, eyes a little reddened. "Yeah sorry," he muttered.

Ville frowned. "You okay?"

"Sure."

"You don't look okay."

"I'm fine Valo, drop it."

"If you say so," he sighed. He caught Bam's arm as he pushed past him. "Bammie, I'm here for you to talk to as well you know," he said softly.

"Yeah I know." Bam forced a smile and pulled away, heading for the kitchenette.

With a frustrated sigh, Ville locked himself in the bathroom, relieving himself quickly before he washed his hands and face then leaned on the sink to stare in the mirror. He didn't look great, skin too pale, eyelids dark and puffy, eyes bloodshot and stubble marring his jaw. Maybe being forced to rest was a good idea but the way his mind was heading, enforced, close proximity to Bam was possibly not.

Well, maybe he was single again, but Bam was not, and he was straight so really, there was nothing to think about.

"Ville, do you want some breakfast?"

"Yes please."

"Coffee?"

"Definitely." Staring for just a moment longer, he finally left the bathroom and went to sit at the table with Bam. "I'm sorry."

"What for?"

"Being a twat. I know you're trying to help, I know you're worried."

"Huh."

"What?"

"I thought you'd be upset with me."

"Why?"

"Because I said I didn't want to be your brother."

"Oh well I," Ville paused, trying to think how he could explain how he did feel without upsetting Bam. "I'm not quite upset so much as confused but it's cool, I mean, you've got Jess, I don't want to take away from that."

"That's not it at all Ville," Bam said softly. "I love my brother but you're more important to me..."

"Don't say that," Ville gasped.

"It's true. Do you love me like you love your brother?"

Ville sat back, staring in mild shock. "No," he said softly.

"It's different right?"

"Yeah."

"More?"

Ville blinked. "Sort of."

Looking away again, Bam shook his head. "You can't be my brother Ville because I love you more than I love my brother, okay?"

"Okay." He frowned again, staring at Bam seriously. "I do."

"Do what?"

"Love you more than I love Jesse. And Linde and Migé."

Looking suddenly inordinately shy, Bam got up to grab the pot of coffee on the side, filling two mugs. He put them on the table, then served up two plates of scrambled eggs and toast.

"Try and eat it all, okay?"

"Yeah." He gulped down some coffee, grimacing at the heat of it, then started to eat. Bam hadn't given him too much and he managed to finish it.

"Do I have to wash up again?"

"Yeah."

"Really?" He couldn't help the slight whine in his tone.

Bam snickered. "Yes really. Man, you're such a big baby sometimes."

"Baby," Ville said contemplatively.

"What?"

"Why do you call me baby sometimes?"

Flushing, Bam got to his feet hurriedly, chair scraping on the floor loudly, He grabbed the plates and took them to the sink.

"I don't know, habit I guess."

"Habit? How do you get into the habit of calling a friend baby?"

"I uh..." Bam cleared his throat loudly and started washing up. "I guess it seemed appropriate at the time and it stuck."

Ville had the strangest feeling Bam wasn't exactly telling him the truth but he couldn't put his finger on why.

"Okay."

"What do you mean okay?"

"I mean okay," he said, leaning back in his chair in surprise.

"Oh." Bam sighed heavily, wiping an eye with the back of his hand. "Sorry."

"I was just asking you know, I don't mind," Ville said softly.

"Really?"

"Yeah."

"Okay."

"Besides, you're doing the washing up, you can call me anything if it means I don't have to do the washing up." He grinned and Bam stuck his tongue out, flicking foam at him.

"How about I call you asshole?"

"Hilarious," Ville snorted, lifting a foot to kick Bam lightly on the ass.

"Hey!" Bam turned and splashed him with a faceful of water.

Spluttering in surprise, Ville glared as his friend started to laugh, leaning back against the counter, bending over and clutching his stomach.

"It's not that funny."

"You didn't... didn't see your face!"

"That's how it is huh?" Ville jumped up and tipped the remainder of his, now lukewarm, coffee over Bam's head. Bam stopped laughed and blinked up at him in shock. Ville snickered.

"Oh man, you are going down Lazarus."

Backing away, still laughing, Ville shook his head. "Oh really?"

"Oh yeah." Bam grabbed his mug and filled it with water from the sink.

"Now Bam, let's not be hasty." He quickly put the table between himself and his friend.

"It's too late for protests Valo." Bam grinned evilly at him and ran round the table. Ville ran to the other side.

"I could throw it at you, you know."

"Only because you can't catch me."

"You think so huh?"

"I know so, Bammieboy."

"You should know better than to challenge me." Bam laughed maniacally, starting to the left. Ville moved again and Bam suddenly changed direction, coming right at him.

"Fuck." Ville managed to stop and backed up, tripping over his feet and falling back on the floor.

"Gotcha!" Bam jumped on him and held the mug over his head.

"Don't you dare," Ville gasped, reaching up quickly to grab the younger man's wrist. They struggled, giggling as water splashed over them both. Finally, he knocked the mug out of Bam's hand and his friend collapsed on top of him, laughing hysterically. He wrapped his arms round Bam and stroked his hair, smiling happily. It was good to really laugh, really let go, he felt better already.

His heart clenched, warmth and love filling him, overwhelming and bittersweet and he gently kissed Bam's forehead before pushing at him.

"Breathing okay?" Bam asked, sitting up and straddling his thighs.

"Yeah." Ville smiled. "Thank you."

"You're thanking me for soaking you?"

"Most fun I've had in ages."

Bam quirked a rueful smile. "Thought I wasn't comic relief."

Reaching up, he cupped Bam's cheek. "Never."

Bam put a hand over his and smiled, head bowing and eyes sliding away from him in the shy way he still had around him sometimes. It was oddly endearing, doubly so because Bam only seemed to react that way to him. Smiling softly, he pushed at Bam again. "Go wash the coffee out of your hair."

"Yeah okay." Bam got up, pulling Ville to his feet. "I'll get you a towel for yours."

"Thanks."

After Bam had thrown him a towel and he'd scrubbed at his hair, Ville went back outside for a cigarette, smoking slowly again, trying not to inhale too much too quickly. There was still a slight catch in his lungs that made him cough but he felt a lot better.

"What am I going to do with you?" Bam sighed, petting hs hair gently.

"Put up with me?"

"I don't put up with you Ville, don't be ridiculous."

"I put up with you," Ville said, somehow keeping a straight face.

Bam stared at him open mouthed, eyes flashing with hurt. "Oh. Okay." He stumbled down the step, walking a couple of paces away, back and shoulders tight with tension.

"Bammie?" Ville frowned. "It was a joke."

"Really?" Bam snapped.

"Yeah."

"Well it wasn't fucking funny."

"Bam," Ville gasped in shock. "I didn't mean to upset you."

"Then why the fuck would you say something like that?" Bam turned round and stared at him, eyes swimming, "Do you have any idea how often I get 'put up' with? How many people treat me like a chore to be gotten through?"

"Oh Bammie no, not anyone who really knows you." He got to his feet, striding quickly over to his friend.

Bam backed away. "How many people do you think that actually numbers Ville, huh?" He swallowed back tears visibly, voice dropping to a tiny whisper. "I at least thought you were one of them."

Pain filled his heart and Ville grabbed the younger man to stop him. "I'm sorry," he said, ignoring his friend's struggle. "It was a stupid, thoughtless thing to say, I guess I didn't think you'd take me seriously."

Bam stopped struggling and sagged against him. "It hurts when people I care about come out with the shit I get slung at me all the time."

"I'm sorry sweetheart," he murmured, stroking thick dark hair gently before tipping Bam's chin up. "Look at me, please." Bam finally met his gaze, blue eyes clouded with pain. "Forgive me?"

Smiling a little tightly, Bam nodded, "Sure."

"No Bam, I mean it, please?" he whispered. "I would never want to hurt you."

"I know Ville," Bam finally sighed, hugging him tightly. "And you're forgiven."

"Thank you."

Bam snorted. "Like I wouldn't forgive you for anything anyway you ass."

"Oh you're too kind." He gently kissed the younger man's temple and let him go, sitting back down to light up another cigarette. "Come sit with me."

"Yeah okay." Bam sat on the step and leaned his head on his shoulder. Ville slipped an arm round his waist, absentmindedly stroking a finger over strip of exposed skin along Bam's waistband as he smoked.

"You want to do anything?"

"Like what? You said there was nothing to do."

"Well, basically yeah."

"How the hell do you last here on your own, doesn't it drive you mad?"

"No. I do a lot of hiking, drown myself in music. Just, you know, I realised I needed to take some time out sometimes."

"That would be nice," Ville sighed. "Feels like I haven't got time to breathe sometimes."

"Which is precisely why you're here."

"Yeah." Ville stubbed out his cigarette. "I don't think I'm up for a hike today though."

"That's cool, we can just chill today. Like I said, I've got some books if you want to read."

"Yes, I think that would be nice. Thank you for this Bammie."

"You're very welcome."

@>*~

They spent a very quiet day, soft music playing in the background, Bam lying with his head in his lap while he read aloud to him. They took regular breaks so he could smoke and Bam could walk around to burn up excess energy but they returned to the same position each time to continue with the story.

Ville carried on reading when Bam got up and started to prepare dinner, half-watching the younger man as he cooked. Bam was so absorbed in what he was doing that he didn't notice when he stopped reading and rested his head on the back of the couch to really watch him.

There was something about Bam when he really concentrated on a task, his face, the way he moved, it had always fascinated him.

Suddenly Bam stopped and looked round. "You're not reading."

"No."

"What are you doing?"

"Watching you?"

Bam flushed. "Um why?"

"Why not?"

"You're supposed to be reading."

"It took you nearly ten minutes to even notice I'd stopped."

"You've been watching me for ten minutes?" Bam exclaimed, frowning at him.

"I suppose I have, yes."

"Take a picture, it'll last longer."

Blinking in surprise, Ville sat up. "Why are you being so defensive?"

"I'm not being defensive."

"Yes you are. Bammie, I was just watching you."

"Well don't man, it's weird."

"Why is it weird?"

"I don't know, because I'm just cooking."

"It's not exactly a common sight though is it?" Ville said softly.

"You're making me feel uncomfortable, Valo."

"Why Bam? It's only me."

"Exactly."

Confused yet again, Ville shook his head."What do you mean?"

"Nothing, just quit it, please?"

"Okay, okay, I guess I'll go for a cigarette then." He put the book down and got up.

"I'm sorry."

Ville looked back and shrugged. "It's okay."

"I shouldn't have snapped."

"You want to tell me what's wrong?"

"Nothing's wrong, it just felt weird. Go for a cig, I'll be done soon." Bam turned away and Ville frowned at his friend's back. Things felt strange again, normal had disappeared and he had a strong urge to give Bam a hug. Instead, he headed outside, sitting on the step and lighting up a cigarette.

Normal wasn't quite the word anyone else would apply to their relationship, the closeness of friendship between them was one that had often been misinterpreted although Bam had always taken it in his stride. But their normality was shifting in his head, the delicate balance of friend and brother he'd always striven for tipping to beyond friends and he didn't want any awkwardness to develop between them, his friendship was too precious.

He wasn't even entirely sure he could survive without the younger man in his life anymore, Bam brought an element to his life no one else did or even could, an element that helped keep his joy in life alive and his soul happy.

The door opened and Bam crouched behind him, arms wrapping round his neck. He dropped a quick kiss on the top of his head. "Hungry?"

"Yeah."

"Good, I've got a surprise for you."

"Oh really?" Ville twisted his head and smiled at him.

"Yup, come on back inside."

Stubbing out his cigarette, Ville got up and followed Bam back indoors. The smell was unmistakeable and he stared at Bam in shock.

"You cooked Thai?"

"Uh huh." Bam grinned widely.

"Yellow jimmy?"

"Uh huh."

"Bammie you're the best." He slung an arm round his friend and kissed his temple.

"Oh no, I'm better." Bam chuckled. "This is Toi yellow jimmy."

"You managed to get the recipe?"

"Yeah."

Ville laughed. "Okay, you're better than the best."

"Thank you, now sit Willa, time to eat."

"Okay." He caught Bam's hand and pulled him into a hug. "You're such a sweetheart, you know that?"

Flushing, Bam shook his head. "I just like to do things for my friends, that's all."

"You're more thoughtful than a lot of people give you credit for, Bammie." He kissed him again, on the forehead this time and let go to sit down. His friend put a plate in front of him then sat opposite, staring at him nervously.

"Well? Try it."

Grinning, Ville started to eat. It was a little spicy but it didn't matter. "It's perfect," he whispered.

"Cool." Bam smiled shyly and looked down, eating some himself. "Hmm, not quite perfect."

"It's perfect because you made it specially," Ville said softly. Bam looked even more shy and Ville had to look away or he'd kiss him. "I'll even wash the dishes," he said with a smile as Bam chuckled and looked up at him.

"Without complaining?"

"Yes without complaining," he snorted. "I offered, didn't I?"

"Yeah, I was just checking."

"Oh fuck off," he said mildly. Bam snickered at him and gently kicked his leg under the table. "Watch it brat."

"Don't call me brat, old man."

"Don't call me old man skater'boi'."

Pulling a face of mock horror, Bam clutched at his chest. "And I thought you were my friend."

"Couldn't think of a comeback huh?"

"Not off the top of my head no," Bam said with a small grin. "Skaterboi shocked the snarky asshole out of me."

Ville shook his head with a small laugh. "Snarky maybe, asshole no."

"Come on, everyone knows I'm an asshole sometimes."

"No." Ville stared seriously at his friend. "No everyone does not and no, I don't. A n'idiot you might be sometimes but you aren't an asshole."

"Okay, easy man, chill out." Bam raised his eyebrows and Ville cleared his throat in slight embarrassment.

"I don't like it when you put yourself down that's all," he said quietly.

"Okay." Bam ducked his head again, concentrating on his food.

With a quiet sigh, Ville resisted another urge to hug his friend and finished his dinner before washing up, as promised, without complaint. Bam got up with him and just leaned on him, neither helping nor hindering. The warmth of his body pressed against his back felt good, soothed him and even when he'd finished, he stood there supporting his friend's weight happily.

Bam slipped his arms round his waist and buried his face in his neck, sighing softly.

"You okay?" Ville whispered, stroking Bam's forearms.

"Yeah I just... it's really nice when it's just us and I can do this without anyone teasing."

"Does it bother you?"

"What?"

"That people tease, about us I mean."

"No." Bam shook his head and kissed his neck, the soft touch of lips sending a shiver down his spine that he quashed immediately.

"You sure?"

"Yes."

"Why?"

"I don't know, it just doesn't." Bam sighed and pulled back a little so Ville could turn, then leaned on him again. "You're my friend and I love you, I don't care what people say. Besides they say stuff about me and Ryan too."

Ville shuddered in slight disgust that was tinged with jealousy. "Euw, that's like saying things about me and Lily or Migé."

"Euw?" Bam said with a snort.

"Yeah, they're our brothers."

"So you're saying me and Ryan or you and Lily or Migé is 'euw' but you and me, that's okay?"

Ville's heartrate skyrocketed as he realised he'd backed himself into the very corner he'd been trying to avoid.

"I... guess?"

Bam lifted his head and raised an eyebrow at him. "You guess?"

"Yeah."

"What does that mean?"

"I don't know?"

"Are you asking me or telling me?" Bam said, pulling back.

"I don't know Bam," Ville said softly. His heart was in his throat and he had no idea what to say so he didn't alienate the younger man. "I just, I don't want things to change, okay?"

Bam's jaw tightened for a moment and he swallowed visibly. "Okay," he breathed. He pulled away and Ville tried not to let the withdrawal affect him. "You want to finish reading then go to bed?"

"Sounds like a plan," Ville replied. "I'll need to have a cigarette first."

"Fine."

Normal was gone again and Ville had no idea how Bam was feeling. Did he realise that the rumours about them might not be entirely unsubstantiated? Would their relationship change now anyway?"

He lit up a cig outside, wandering slowly round the cabin in the darkness for a change. A flash of movement through the bathroom window made him pause and he was shocked to see Bam sitting on the edge of the bath, tears streaming down his face.

What could have precipitated that reaction? And he didn't know what to do, did he go and see what was wrong, or let Bam have his privacy? But could he pretend he hadn't seen something that made his own heart ache so desperately.

Walking slowly back round the cabin, he sat on the step, lighting up another cigarette, rubbing his head with his free hand, tiredly. While it was nice to have a break from his hectic life, it was throwing up a completely different type of stress. Things could potentially get very difficult and he really didn't want to risk anything changing between them.

"Hey," Bam said, opening the door and gently petting his hair. "Come read to me?"

"Of course." Ville looked up and smiled.

"I'm ready for bed already, do you want to do that first? Then we can just curl up in bed."

"Sounds good," Ville agreed, getting up to go back inside. It sounded too good really, but normal for them so he felt a bit better, even though there was no indication that Bam had been crying. He went to the bathroom, getting ready quickly before pausing for a moment to take a deep breath and centre himself, it felt like he was going to need strength to get through this night.

Back in the main room, Bam had stripped to his boxers and was sitting up in bed flipping through the book.

"No cheating," he murmured, taking off his pants before getting into the bed with him.

"I was just looking."

"Well don't, you'll spoil it."

"Don't be so anal man, just read to me."

"Bossy."

"Yup." Bam shifted down and lay his head on his lap and Ville sank one hand into thick hair just starting to curl again and began to read again. It didn't take long for Bam to drop off and Ville put the book down, slipping back outside for another cigarette. When he got back into bed, Bam cuddled close, snuffling softly into his neck. Heart tightening, Ville wrapped an arm round him and closed his eyes.

@>*~

An hour later and he was still awake, stroking Bam's hair and listening to him breathe. He gave up trying to sleep and slipped out of bed for another cigarette. He didn't want to think, thinking too much was half the problem with his insomnia and lying in bed next to Bam was making it worse.

Smoking quickly, he got back into bed, Bam murmuring in complaint.

"Sorry," Ville whispered, putting his arm round the younger man again.

@>*~

Four hours, several cigarettes and a couple of bathroom breaks later and Ville still hadn't slept a wink. He got into bed, surprised when Bam rolled onto his side and tutted at him.

"That's it Valo, you are not leaving this bed again."

"But I..."

"Shut up and go to sleep."

"I'm trying."

"Stop getting up all the time, that might help."

"My mind won't stop working overtime."

Bam shook his head. "Turn over."

"Huh?"

"Roll over for fuck's sake."

"Okay." Ville rolled onto his side barely biting back a gasp when Bam spooned up behind him, wrapped an arm tightly around him and even hooked a leg over his.

"Now just relax, don't try and stop thinking, think about something specific instead."

"Okay, I guess it can't hurt."

"No, but I will hurt you if you wake me up again."

"Sorry."

"I know, shut up." Bam softened his words with a kiss to his neck and Ville sighed, closing his eyes. What was he going to think about?

Avoiding thinking about the man wrapped round him, Ville starting going through the plans for the Killing Loneliness reshoot.

@>*~

Bam's suggestion had worked, he'd definitely dozed off, just unfortunately not enough to sleep through Bam dreaming.

The arm wrapped round him tightened, lips nuzzled his neck and hard cock pressed into his ass, the younger man rocking against him.

"Oh fuck," he breathed, his own dick starting to harden in reaction. There was no way to suppress this, no way to deny how much he wanted his best friend. Biting his lip, Ville slipped his hand into his shorts, stroking himself to the rhythm of Bam's thrusts against him, despite feeling that somehow, he was violating his friend's trust. He had no defence against the need and want that was filling him. Warmth spread through his groin as Bam panted against his neck and as he thrust harder, Ville's balls tightened and he came as Bam stiffened against him and cried out,

"Missy!"

Ville froze and Bam sat up with a gasp. "Oh fuck!"

Breathing quietly, Ville stayed where he was, pretending to be asleep.

"Ville?" Bam whispered, pausing for a moment. "Oh thank God." He got up, disappearing into the bathroom for a few minutes before returning to bed, lying down next to him but not touching him at first. Ville tried to keep his breathing steady to maintain the appearance of sleep. Eventually, Bam moved closer and gently stroked his back.

"Fuck," Bam whispered. "I'm sorry Ville."

Ville bit his lip hard, screwing up his face against tears. He needed to get out of there but he didn't want Bam to know that he'd been aware of what had happened.

It seemed to take forever for Bam to fall asleep again but finally he felt safe enough to move and he slipped into the bathroom, locking the door and sliding onto the floor as he finally let himself react.

Tears overwhelmed him, the pain was shocking. He'd managed to completely deny the extent of his feelings for Bam but this had ripped his heart open. He didn't just love his best friend, he wasn't a little sexually attracted to him. He was in love, heart and soul.

Dropping his head into his hands, Ville cried quietly. He hadn't been happy in any relationships for years and now he knew why and it was all pointless, Bam was straight, Bam was engaged and he was fucked.

"Hey Ville." Bam knocked on the door. "You okay?"

"Yeah."

"Breathing okay?"

Clearing his throat, Ville took a deep breath to steady himself. "Yes it's fine."

"Well get back to bed then dude, have you even slept yet?"

"Yes I have." Ville got up and quickly wiped off his crotch and washed his hands, throwing the paper in the trash. "But I needed to pee."

"Did you flush?"

"Bammie," he said a little reproachfully as he opened the door. "Of course."

"I didn't hear it, is all," Bam said, staring at him through tired, hooded eyes.

"You were dead asleep when I woke up," Ville said, not missing the relief in Bam's eyes.

"I guess. Come on man, I miss my hot water bottle."

"Oh is that all I am to you now?" Ville joked, following him back to bed.

"Hell yes Valo, sleeping with you is great, I get to cuddle without being pushed away all night... well, when you're not getting up for a smoke all the time anyway."

"She pushes you away?" They cuddled back up together under the covers.

Bam shrugged. "She likes to sprawl, I like to cuddle. It sucks but what can you do?"

"Dump her," Ville muttered under his breath, jealousy overwhelming sense for a moment.

"Huh?"

"Nothing." He slipped his arm round the younger man and pulled him closer, "I love your cuddles darling, I won't move again."

"It's okay Willa, just try and get some sleep."

"I will."

@>*~

Ville hadn't managed to get back to sleep, not after his untimely revelation. How was he supposed to sleep with the man he loved in his arms, a hard dick and a broken heart? He just held Bam quietly and prayed he wouldn't have anymore dreams.

Eventually it was morning and Bam got up, visiting the bathroom on the way to make coffee. Ville buried himself under the covers and curled up in a ball, too tired to move.

"How much did you sleep?" Bam asked him, putting a mug for him on the coffee table.

"I have no idea, an hour maybe."

"Dude, and you were doing so well."

"No, I was just exhausted."

"Do you want to talk about it?"

"No."

"That wasn't really a question."

"Then you shouldn't have phrased it as one," Ville snapped.

"Talk to me man."

"No."

"Okay talk to me about your stupid bitch ex then."

"Hey." Ville sat up angrily. "Do you talk about Jenn like that?"

"No."

"No, so don't talk about Jonna like that, she was your friend, remember?"

"No, she was a friend of a friend, then girlfriend of a friend."

"Oh come on Bam..."

"It's true. She was never my friend. Anyway she hates me."

"No she doesn't!" Ville was shocked.

"Yes she does. She said I took you away from her too much."

Sighing, Ville rubbed his forehead with his thumb. "She really said that?"

"I wouldn't make it up."

"I know you wouldn't Bam." Ville picked up his coffee and took a large mouthful, trying to wake up. "That's what she said about the band too."

"You're kidding?"

"No. I didn't love her as much as I love music and she hated me touring because I was probably cheating at every given opportunity."

"Oh come on."

"I'm serious. And she can't accept what happened in Minneapolis."

"What do you mean?" Bam asked slowly, looking cautious.

"She thinks I was raped and she couldn't deal with it."

"Were you?"

He looked Bam straight in the eye. "No, at least I'm pretty sure I wasn't."

"You've tested clean since right?"

"Yeah, I'm fine."

"You're not fine, Ville," Bam sighed, sitting on the bed next to him. "You're unhappy and abusing yourself."

"Abusing myself would make a welcome change," Ville said with a snort.

"Haha you're so not funny," Bam snapped, "I'm serious man, you really think I'd do something as drastic as kidnapping you if I wasn't worried?"

"I know, I'm sorry. Look, things overwhelmed me, you know? I mean touring, then Minneapolis, things going from bad to worse with Jonna, then my fucking neighbour interfering..."

"Yeah I'd have fucking punched him too," Bam said with a nod. "Asshole."

"I just let it all get on top of me."

"I suppose it's not all that surprising. I just wish you'd called me more or something."

"I know Bammie." Ville gently stroked his friend's arm. "I know I need to remember I do have good friends I can turn to."

"Yes you do, especially me."

"Yeah." Leaning up, Ville kissed Bam on the lips. He couldn't quite help pressing a little harder and longer than was appropriate between friends, he just felt so good. He pulled back with a quiet gasp and cleared his throat. "Sorry."

"Um okay." Bam licked his lips and turned his head away. "Ville what was that?"

"Nothing."

"That wasn't nothing."

"It was a thank you, that's all."

"You thank all your friends like that?"

Ville scratched his head awkwardly. "No, they'd probably punch me."

"What made you think I wouldn't?"

"I kiss you all the time."

"You don't kiss me like that all the time."

"It was nothing Bam," he snapped defensively.

Bam's expression blanked. "Nothing? Fine, it was nothing." He got up and stalked away, leaving Ville more confused than ever.

He got up, grimacing at the residue stickiness of his shorts and pulled on his pants. "I'm just going to go for a fag."

"Of course you are."

"What's that supposed to mean?"

"Nothing, go kill yourself, I don't care."

"Yes you do," Ville whispered, feeling hurt tug on his heart.

"Yes I do, but it doesn't change anything does it?"

"You want me to give up?"

"You have before."

"That's not giving up, Bam, or I wouldn't have started again."

"You could do it if you wanted to."

"Exactly."

"What?"

"If I wanted to."

"You don't want to quit?"

"Not really. I thought you understood addiction."

"I do, just not so much when it's self-destructive."

Ville closed his eyes for a moment in utter disbelief. "You've got a fucking nerve Bam 'self-destruct' Margera."

"Oh you know what, fuck you," Bam shouted. "Go be a bastard away from me."

"I take it back."

"You take what back?"

"You are an asshole." Ville wished he'd just gone for a cigarette because he could have just bitten his tongue out when Bam's face crumpled, tears swimming in blue eyes.

"You son of a bitch."

"Bam..."

"Fuck you."

"Bam I didn't mean it."

Bam laughed bitterly. "You don't mean a lot of things when it comes to me, do you?"

"What do you mean?"

"You are so fucking blind!"

"What?" Ville frowned, pain and distress tearing at his chest.

"You don't even see do you?" Bam sobbed.

"Bammie please, what?" Ville stepped forward, freezing when Bam flinched away from him.

"You can't do things like that and not mean them."

"Like what?"

"Kiss me."

"I don't understand."

"Agh!" Bam lashed out, smacking him in the face. "How can you not know you fucking asshole?!"

Clasping his cheek in shock, Ville blinked at him. "You want me to kiss you?"

"I want you to mean it," Bam whispered, tears streaming down his face.

"Why?" Ville breathed, heart pounding.

"Because I love you."

"I know you do," Ville said quietly.

"No dickface, I'm in love with you."

"But you're straight."

"No, I'm bi."

"You're engaged Bam."

"Only because I'd give up hope with you getting engaged to Jonna."

"But you..." Ville couldn't get the cry of Missy's name from his head.

"But I what?"

"You said her name."

"Huh?"

"Last night you were... dreaming and you said Missy's name."

Bam flushed bright red. "Oh that, you were awake?"

"Yes."

"Oh. I'm so sorry." Bam ducked his head. "She kinda burst in at the end of the dream and shocked the hell out of me."

"At the end?" Ville asked slowly. "But it was a... who were you fucking then?"

"I wasn't fucking anyone." Bam flushed again and Ville stared in disbelief.

"Oh come on."

"I wasn't!" Bam leaned back against the counter, chin dropping to his chest. "You... you were fucking me."

"I was..." Ville swallowed hard. "Oh my God," he gasped. "I was, you dreamt about me fucking you?"

"Yeah."

"Me fucking you?"

"Yes fucking hell Valo, I'm in love with you, which part of that didn't you understand?"

"Sorry," Ville breathed. "I just, I thought..."

"Look man, I'm sorry too. I know you said you didn't want things to change between us, they don't have to." Bam looked up again, eyes wide. "I don't want to lose your friendship..."

Ville strode forward and clapped his hand over his friend's mouth. "One, you could never lose my friendship and two, I meant it."

"What?" Bam asked, voice muffled by his hand.

"The kiss," Ville whispered, dropping his hand and moving closer to lean on the younger man. "I meant it."

"Really?"

"Yeah, I just thought you wouldn't want me to."

"You really are blind, aren't you?" Bam snorted.

"I guess so." He cupped Bam's cheek. "I wanted to really kiss you."

"So what's stopping you now?"

"Nothing." Bending his head, Ville pressed his lips gently to Bam's mouth, kissing him briefly before pulling back, needing to make sure it was real.

Licking his lips, Bam wrapped his arms round his neck and pulled him back down, kissing him harder, lips parting quickly, tongue lapping at his mouth, a demand for entry that he happily gave into. He slid his tongue over Bam's, moaning quietly as the kiss deepened, both of them exploring each other's mouths frantically, arms tightening around each other.

Gasping for breath, shocked at quite how turned on he was, Ville pulled back again. Bam stared up at him, eyes glazed, lips reddened and slightly parted as he panted for breath.

"Bammie," he whispered, smoothing his hand back into soft hair and rubbing gently. Leaning down again, he was shocked when Bam put a finger over his lips and pushed him back.

"How did you mean it?"

"Mean what?"

"Kissing me, why did you want to kiss me properly?"

Smiling gently, Ville reached up and smoothed the crease between Bam's brows with his thumb. "I thought I was the blind one."

"Don't make a joke out of this Ville," Bam exclaimed, pushing him back. "It's not funny."

"I wasn't trying to be funny," Ville sighed. "You're right, I am blind, I didn't see how you felt and I wouldn't see how I felt. But after last night I couldn't deny it, can't deny that..."

"That what Ville, please?"

"That I'm in love with you, that I've been in love with you for a long time."

Making a tiny noise in the back of his throat, Bam pulled him close again. "Really?"

"Yeah."

"You love me?"

"Yes," Ville said, smiling again as Bam's eyes widened.

"Say it."

"I love you."

Bam grinned and wrapped his arms round his neck again. "Say it again."

"I love you Bam."

"I love you too Ville."

He moved to kiss him again and Bam shook his head. "I can't."

"What?"

"I can't, I'm sorry."

"But you... we..."

"Ville, I'm in love with you but I'm engaged and I won't cheat, I can't, she's my friend."

The breath left Ville's lungs in a rush. "Are you saying..." he swallowed painfully. "Are you saying it's too late?"

"No!" Bam exclaimed. "Oh my God no, Ville, I've waited years for this. I just need to break up with her before we do this."

Relief spread through him and he nodded. "I understand, I mean I love that about you but..."

"But nothing Ville, I love you and I want to do this right. That means breaking up with Missy first."

"So I can't even kiss you?"

"I..." Bam licked his lips slowly and Ville's groin tightened.

"Please," he whispered.

"Oh fuck Ville," Bam groaned, leaning up slowly, catching his mouth briefly between his lips and licking over them. With a gasp of need, Ville slid his hand round to the back of Bam's neck, pulling him up hard, sucking his tongue into his mouth. Bam moaned loudly, kissing harder, licking into his mouth, arms tightening around his neck.

Ville pressed in closer, the taste of his best friend, the feel of his warm body, hardening his cock and filling him with need. Pushing a thigh between Bam's legs, he rocked up against equally hard cock and the younger man gasped, shoving him back.

"Fuck Ville," he panted. "I thought you said a kiss."

Dropping his forehead onto Bam's chest, Ville took a deep breath. "I did but my God Bam, I want you."

"I want you too," Bam sighed.

"Fuck," Ville murmured, pulling right back and leaning against the table. "I'm fucking shaking."

Bam almost laughed. "Yeah."

"Maybe I should go for that cigarette."

"I think I'll just uh, I'll just go to the... yeah." Bam ran to the bathroom and locked himself inside. Ville stared at the door and bit his lip hard as his dick jerked in his pants. He couldn't stop himself, Ville walked round the cabin to look in the bathroom window.

Leaning against the frame, he unzipped his pants, sliding his hand into his boxers to grasp his cock as Bam leaned over the toilet, erection fisted tightly. It was quite possibly the sexiest thing he'd ever seen and he wished desperately that he could touch the younger man, kiss him, do something.

Suddenly, Bam looked up into the mirror, catching his eye. They both froze for a moment, Ville squeezing hard round his shaft. Bam's lips parted slowly, pink tongue flicking out for a moment to moisten them, then he nodded, starting to jack himself again.

Breathing out heavily, Ville stroked his cock, matching Bam's rhythm. Feeling his friend's eyes on him, and staring avidly back, was both hot and frustrating. He'd never needed, wanted, loved someone so much in his life and to know that he was loved and wanted in return but couldn't do anything about it was torture.

Tightening his grip, he speeded up his strokes desperately. Bam's eyes widened and his hand moved faster over his cock as he bit his bottom lip.

"Oh God Ville," Bam cried out, audible from the cabin as he shook and came, the most beautiful thing Ville had ever seen.

Pleasure shot through his body, peaking in his groin and he came hard, shooting over his hand with a groan. He slumped against the frame, panting for breath, watching the younger man clean up and zip up his pants then walk towards him. Bam opened the window and leaned out, handing him some toilet paper.

"Thank you," Ville murmured, looking down and cleaning himself off.

"Never figured on you being a peeping Tom."

"That's not fair."

"Isnt it?"

"Knowing what you were going to do, knowing I couldn't touch you. Can you blame me for at least wanting to see you?"

"No," Bam sighed. "Watching you was the fucking hottest thing... God this week is going to be hell."

"We could go..."

"No, Ville, you still need a break."

"Darling, do you really think I'm going to be able to rest having you so close and not being able to do anything about it?" Ville couldn't think of anything worse. "And there's no way I'd get any sleep with you lying next to me."

"Fuck," Bam muttered. "This sucks."

"Yeah."

"Do something for me?"

"Of course."

"At least try and get some sleep today, I know you didn't sleep barely a wink last night."

"I'll try." He leaned over and kissed his friend gently. "For you, I'll try."

"Thank you, now come back inside."

"I really do need a cigarette now," Ville said with a regretful grimace.

"I know." Bam kissed him back. "I'll see you in a couple of minutes then." He pulled back into the bathroom and closed the window.

Walking round to the front of the cabin, Ville sat on the step and quickly smoked a couple of cigarettes before heading inside. Bam was playing solitaire at the table and he looked up with a shy smile.

"Hey."

"Hey Bammie."

"Tired?"

"Yeah."

"Maybe you'll sleep then."

"Do I get a goodnight kiss?"

"Ville don't," Bam whispered.

"I'm sorry." Moving over to the bed, Ville stripped off his pants again and lay down. "Are you joining me?"

"Ville don't."

"Sorry."

"Sure you are."

"Bammie, I love you, knowing that you love me too, I just..."

"I know Ville, I've waited years for this. Just, please just go to sleep okay?"

"Okay." Ville wrapped his arms round Bam's pillow, breathing in deeply for the scent of his beloved friend, and closed his eyes.

@>*~

He must have slept because he woke with a jump, glancing round in a slight panic. It was getting dark and Bam was nowhere to be seen.

"Bam?" he called out, coughing harshly. He got up, yanked his pants on and checked the bathroom. "Bammie?" Panic was starting to set in again and he hurried to the door to see if the younger man was outside. "Bam, this isn't funny!"

It really wasn't funny. The Range Rover was gone and he couldn't quite believe it. He sank down to the step starting to wheeze as his chest tightened, anxiety, pain and fear overwhelming him. Why would he go? Where would he go?

Digging in his pocket for his inhaler, he took a hit and flopped down over his knees, trying to calm himself. There had to be, some reason, a logical explanation, surely?

Dragging himself to his feet, Ville went back inside. He needed to wake up, think more clearly because he just couldn't seem to focus. Stumbling into the bathroom, he stripped off and got into the shower. Under the spray of warm water, he leaned against the tiles and tried not to let his panic take over again.

Why would Bam have just left him on his own? What if it had all been too much? Maybe spying on the younger man hadn't been a good idea. Maybe the reality of it all had been too much for the younger man.

He squeezed his eyes shut but it wouldn't stop the tears. It was too much. Too much had happened in a short space of time, if Bam had changed his mind it was entirely possible he wouldn't survive. Crouching down under the water, Ville cried quietly, his heart really had been ripped open this time.

When he'd calmed, he got out and dried off quickly, wrapping the towel round his waist before he peered in the mirror. He looked as shitty as he felt, eyes red and puffy from crying, skin pale and waxy and his stubble was even worse, making him look like a bum. Shaving quickly, he then washed his face and brushed his teeth. Raking his hair back out of his face, he heard the sound of a car engine pull up then stop outside.

A door slammed and he was overwhelmed with sudden anger. As the cabin door opened, he yanked open the bathroom door.

"Where the fuck have you been?" he shouted at a startled looking Bam.

"Whoa, Valo, chill out, I just went to town."

"Just? Just? The most important day of my life and I had to wake up alone, not knowing what was going on, where you were..."

"I left you a note."

"A note?"

"Yes, a note."

"What fucking note?" Ville shouted in frustrated disbelief. Bam stalked stiffly over to the kitchenette where a full pot of coffee was sitting on the warmer and grabbed something from the counter.

"This fucking note, you asshole," Bam snapped. "I figured you'd get coffee when you woke up, I didn't think you'd flip out."

"I didn't know where you were, Bam," Ville whispered, anger dissolving into pain. "I thought..."

"You really thought I'd just leave you here?" Bam asked, eyes full of hurt.

"I didn't know what to think Bam, I had a panic attack, it isn't exactly conducive to clear thinking."

"Even without everything else, how long have we been friends?" Bam whispered. "I would never just leave you alone, you know that."

"My heart knows that," Ville sighed. "But my head was too busy trying to break it. I'm sorry Bammie."

"Yeah me too." Bam sat at the table.

"Why did you go into town?"

"Because I couldn't stand being near you..."

"Bam..."

"Let me finish for fuck's sake Valo."

"Sorry," Ville muttered.

"I couldn't stand being near you and not being able to touch you so I drove to the nearest phone and talked to Missy."

Ville sat down heavily, air knocked from his lungs in shock. "You... you broke up with her?"

"Yeah."

"Is she okay? Are you okay?"

"Yeah." Bam almost laughed. "She said she'd kinda expected it. I felt like shit doing it to her over the phone but I had to break up with her."

"I'm sorry Bam."

"Why?"

"I know you hate to hurt people you love."

Bam's smile was a little strained but he leaned forward and cupped Ville's cheek. "Yeah, but if it means I get to have you then I can handle it."

"You sure?"

"Yes." Bam cocked his head and frowned. "You been crying Willa?"

Looking away, Ville nodded. "Yes."

"Over me?"

"No over the drop in share prices," Ville snorted. "Of course over you. What part of I'm in love with you didn't you understand?"

"God that sounds so good."

"What Bammie?"

"You saying you love me."

"Really?"

"Yeah." Bam got up and moved over to him, sitting in his lap, straddling his thighs. Ville was suddenly very aware of the fact that he was only wearing a towel and his cock started to harden.

"Say it for me."

"I love you Ville," Bam said softly, combing back his hair and tucking it behind his ears.

"You're right that does sound good."

"You want to?"

Bam looked down at his chest, flushing brightly. "Fuck yeah, I just..."

"Have you ever done anything with a guy?"

"No."

"Me neither."

"Really?" Bam asked, eyes flicking back up to his face.

"Of course not."

"Well I wasn't sure."

"Don't you think you would already know if I had?"

"Well yeah I guess so."

"You guess so?" Ville couldn't help feeling a little indignant.

"Ville, do you really want to argue about this now?" Bam rocked against him again sending a bolt of lust up his spine.

"No," he squeaked.

"Do you know where the nearest phone was?" Bam murmured, leaning close to rub his nose up his jaw then kiss his neck.

Ville shivered. "Where?"

"Drugstore. Do you know what they sell at the drugstore?"

Swallowing hard, Ville shook his head slowly. "What?"

"Condoms and lube."

"Oh fuck," Ville breathed.

"Yeah that was kinda the idea," Bam whispered, kissing his neck again.

"And you want me to..." Ville stopped again, clearing his throat. Bam nodded against his shoulder. "Bam, look at me please." Suddenly, he felt uncertain again, needed to be sure his friend wasn't doing something he thought he wanted.

Bam lifted his head, meeting his gaze seriously if still a little shyly. "I want this Ville," he said quietly, pre-empting him. "I want you and I want you to fuck me."

All the want and lust and desire for the younger man that he'd been suppressing for years seemed to surge through his body and he grabbed Bam by the neck, yanking him into a hard kiss, tongue plunging deep to taste his friend urgently.

Groaning, Bam shifted forward in his lap and wrapped his arms tightly around his neck, kissing him back, sucking on tongue and lips, licking into his mouth until they were both gasping for breath and he had to pull back. His groin was aching and the feel of Bam's cock, hard and hot against his was almost too much.

"Fuck I want you," he gasped.

"Good," Bam breathed, kissing him again briefly before getting up and dragging him to his feet. The towel fell to the floor and Bam stared at him, flushing again.

"Bammie, you've seen me naked before," he said softly.

"Not like this I haven't," Bam said, flashing him a small smile. "Dreamt about it maybe."

Drawing his friend close again, Ville cupped his cheek and kissed him gently. "Let me see you darling," he murmured.

Looking away again, Bam toed off his sneakers and pulled his long-sleeved t-shirt over his head revealing the multitude of tattoos dedicating his body to HIM, and to him, a shrine made flesh. Reaching out, Ville traced over the Love Metal tattoo with his fingertip, watching in fascination as a trail of goosebumps followed his touch.

"Ville," Bam breathed.

"Mmm?" Ville murmured, still tracing up Bam's arm, up over the Sacrament hearts and back down over the Cosmic Pope they shared.

"Ville please."

He looked up, surprised to see the younger man staring at him with something like desperation. "Bam, what is it?"

"I need you too much, please stop."

He pulled back his hand, then shook his head and moved closer, slipping his hands between them to Bam's zipper. His friend's neediness was so sexy, he wanted to try something he'd never done before.

"Ville?" Bam squeaked.

Grinning, Ville pulled open Bam's pants and tugged them down. Hard cock strained against the younger man's shorts and he ran his palm up the length, the heat of it making his gut tighten. Bam's hips jerked and he moaned, the sound resonating down his spine. He slid down to his knees, pushing Bam back against the table, and shoved his boxers down round his knees.

"Oh fuck," Bam gasped. "Are you..."

"Yeah," Ville said quietly, leaning in to lick up the length of his best friend's dick. The combination of musk, salt and the slight bitterness of precome surprised him by tasting good and he licked harder, lapping up over the head of Bam's cock to taste more. Strong fingers sank into his hair and tugged gently.

"Ville please."

Glancing up at the younger man, meeting blue eyes wide with shock and lust, Ville smiled and sucked his cock into his mouth. He slid down then up again slowly, getting used to the feel of soft skin, heat and heaviness in his mouth, against his tongue. He wrapped his fist round the base and used hand and mouth to jack and suck, licking over and over as Bam moaned and whimpered, hips straining against his other hand, fingers tightening in his hair.

"Ville fuck," Bam groaned. "Feels good, so close."

Moving his hand, Ville sank further down, cheeks hollowing as he sucked harder. He cupped Bam's balls, rolling them gently as his friend cried out, jerking into his mouth. Come spurted down his throat and he pulled back a little so he didn't choke, swallowing hard. It tasted bitter, felt strange in his mouth but he didn't care, all he cared about was the fact that the man he loved was stroking his hair, whispering something.

Shifting back, Ville looked up. "What Bam?"

Bam blinked and his eyes focused on him. "I love you," he murmured.

Smiling, Ville got to his feet, pulling the younger man into his arms. "Can I kiss you?"

"What kind of a question is that?"

"Well, I did just blow you."

"I think if you can swallow my load, I can fucking kiss you for it," Bam said with a snort, sliding a hand round the back of his neck and pulling him close. "What's it like?" he whispered.

"It feels good," Ville said, reaching up to stroke Bam's cheek.

"Really?"

Pushing his cock against Bam's groin, he grinned. "Turned me on."

"Fuck," Bam breathed, pressing a soft kiss to his lips. "Fuck Ville I really want you." He kissed him again, harder, tongue pushing between his lips, tasting him deeply. Groin tight and aching, Ville dragged himself back.

"Clothes off," he gasped, backing up to sit on the bed. Bam grabbed a bag from the table and tossed it to him before he started to pull the rest of his clothes off. Inside was a box of condoms and a tube of lubricant.

Swallowing a little nervously, Ville opened the box and pulled out a condom, quickly ripped the packet to roll the latex onto his dick. Bam stood in front of him, naked and gorgeous and he looked up.

"Do you have any idea what you're doing?" Bam asked.

Ville shook his head. "Not much."

"I did some research."

"You did research?"

"Yeah, you um," Bam cleared his throat. "Apparently it helps if you stretch me out with your fingers first and uh, use lots of lube."

Staring up at the younger man, Ville put his hands on his hips and pulled him between his legs. "You did research?"

Bam smiled ruefully, shrugging. "Live in hope."

"Ah Bam," Ville sighed in regret, "I'm sorry." He kissed his lover's stomach gently.

"What for?"

"Being an idiot."

"An idiot or a n'idiot?"

"A n'idiot I guess," Ville said, laughing quietly.

"Well, you're my n'idiot now so I guess it's okay. Now, you gonna fuck me or what?"

Pure want shot through every nerve, dick jerking and drooling and he yanked Bam onto the bed, rolling so he was on top.

"Oh yes, Bam, I'm going to fuck you." He started to sing, "I'm gonna fuck you softly, I'm gonna screw you gently, I'm gonna hump you sweetly..."

Bam burst out laughing and wrapped his arms round his neck. "Fuck I love you," he chuckled.

Smiling happily, Ville bent his head and kissed his best friend soft and sweet, sucking gently on his lips, sliding his tongue into his mouth. He tasted so good, felt so good underneath him, Ville felt almost overwhelmed. He slid his hands up and down arms, chest, hips and thighs, trying to touch as much of his lover as possible as they kissed hard, open-mouthed and panting.

With a gasp, Bam suddenly pushed him back and reached for the lube. Eyes fixed on his face, the younger man squeezed lube onto Ville's fingers and moved his hand down between his legs.

"Please Ville," he whispered. "I want to feel it, I want to know how it feels to have you inside me."

Ville shivered with need, mouth going dry as he looked down over the length of Bam's tight, athlete's body to where his hand was resting just below his balls. He slid his fingers between Bam's asscheeks and rubbed gently over the entrance to his body.

"Relax Bammie," he murmured, pressing against tight muscle.

"Oh fuck," Bam groaned, pushing back. His finger slid inside and Ville's groan echoed his lover's, the heat and intense clenching grip surprising him.

"Fucking hell Bammie you're so tight," he gasped.

"Feels kinda," Bam breathed in deeply. "Weird."

"Are you okay?" Ville whispered, feeling both anxious and a little desperate.

"Yes, yeah, just uh, ooh boy." Bam sighed heavily, hips rocking slightly. "Willa try two."

"Sure?"

"Yes, God yes please." Bam wrapped a hand round his neck and pulled him down, kissing him hard. Ville carefully pushed a second finger into his lover. The intensity of it all had him aching and desperate and he kissed Bam harder, thrusting his fingers deep. Bam gasped into his mouth, muscles clamping round his fingers tightly.

"Sorry," Ville breathed.

"No it's good, I was just surprised," Bam said, panting heavily as he relaxed a little.

"Surprised?" Ville asked as he stroked his fingers in and out of Bam's body.

"Yeah, it's uncomfortable but fuck it's awesome." Bam smiled up at him.

"I'm not sure how much longer I'm going to last," Ville whispered. "This is so..."

"Hot?"

"Yeah."

"So why aren't you fucking me?" Bam whispered.

"You ready?"

"I don't know."

"Bam, please be sure," Ville said a little desperately as he withdrew his fingers and spread plenty of lube over his latex-covered cock.

"I'm ready, I'm sure," Bam said firmly, lifting his head to kiss him gently before tugging him back down on top of him and between his legs. "Please."

Nodding frantically, Ville reached between them, sliding his cock down between Bam's cheeks. He pulled his legs up round his waist and pushed into him.

"Oh fuck," he groaned, gritting his teeth against the need to plunge deep and hard into his best friend. It was the most amazing thing he'd ever felt but he was too aware of Bam's fingers clenching against his hips, digging into his skin painfully.

"Slow," Bam whispered, breathing out heavily, eyes tightly shut.

"I'm trying." Lifting up slightly, Ville leaned on one arm, stroking Bam's face gently. "Does it hurt?"

"Not exactly." Blue eyes opened slowly and Bam almost smiled. "I feel really full."

The intensity eased slightly as Bam relaxed and he pushed a little further into the silken heat of the younger man's ass.

"Bam," he moaned.

"Oh my... God," Bam gasped, jerking up and yanking him all the way inside his body. He nearly came on the spot.

"Fuck Bam," he whispered, shuddering at the heat filling his body. His balls tightened, hips rocking against his will.

"Oh yeah, oh fuck yes Ville," Bam gasped.

"Bammie, I need to..."

"Fuck me Ville, please."

"Oh God." Ville dropped his head onto Bam's chest, clasped a strong thigh tightly and started to move, thrusting carefully into his lover.

"Harder, please harder," Bam begged, rocking up against him.

"Sure?" Ville gritted out.

"Yes!" Bam clenched down hard around him and Ville gasped, jerking deep into his lover. The last thread of his control snapped and Ville kissed Bam, tongue plunging into his mouth as he stroked harder and faster into his body. Hot pleasure tightened every muscle and as Bam's fingers raked down his back, he came hard, shuddering and jerking deep inside him.

"Ah fuck," Bam groaned, still rocking against him, erection pressing into his stomach.

Ville laughed breathlessly. "That turned you on?"

"Yeah," Bam said, hand pushing between their bodies to take hold of his cock, stroking quickly. "You fucking me was so hot Ville, you felt so good inside me."

"I want to see," Ville murmured, easing back slowly and lifting up to watch the tight slide of Bam's hand up and down his cock. His groin twitched and he moved to the side, reaching down to wrap his hand round Bam's, tightening his grip and stroking him faster.

"Yes, Ville!" Bam cried out, bucking up hard, coming all over their hands, his face contorting with pleasure. Ville kissed the side of his face.

"That's really sexy. I love you."

Bam grinned up at him, licking his lips and panting for breath. "Love you too man, now come on, get rid of the condom, you look like a dork."

Snorting, Ville tugged off the condom, tied it and threw it in the general direction of the kitchen.

"Hey, no trashing my place."

"Don't call me a dork then."

"I said you looked like a dork."

"There's a difference?" Ville asked, unable to help a grin.

"Yeah." Bam rolled on top of him, dropping a quick kiss on his lips. "Every guy looks like a dork with a used condom hanging from their dick."

"And you'd know that how?"

"Fine, I look like a dork with a used condom hanging from my dick," Bam said laughing.

"That I'd like to see."

"Really?"

"Yes," Ville said with a soft smile, reaching up to tug Bam down for another kiss. "You know I'm an equal opportunities kind of guy."

"Rad," Bam sighed. "You have to feel it, Ville, it's fucking awesome."

"I'm glad you enjoyed it."

"You thought I wouldn't?"

"I don't know, neither of us have ever done this before," Ville said quietly. "I was worried about hurting you."

"It kinda burned for a bit but it was okay," Bam said. "I want to do it a lot. You're definitely gonna have to cut back on drinking and smoking because I'm going to want your dick in me all the time."

"You implying my dick doesn't work fine already?"

"Well I don't know old man, does it?" Bam raised an eyebrow, smirking cheekily.

"Less of the old," Ville laughed, running his hands down his lover's ribs to tickle him lightly. "Mostly."

"Mostly what?"

"It mostly works fine."

Bam chuckled. "Only mostly huh?"

"Oh fuck off," Ville snorted mildly, poking the younger man. "It hasn't had to work at all recently."

"True. And you know, being in love with your best friend doesn't help when you're trying to fuck a girl."

"Lots of wanking then?" Ville asked softly. Bam nodded, eyes skittering away again.

"Yeah you could say that."

"So moving your bangles was my fault huh?" Ville asked with a chuckle.

"Fuck yeah, why do you think I always spent so long in the bathroom when we shared a room?"

"I didn't think about it really, I think I just thought alcohol went straight through you."

"Yeah, that was the plan usually," Bam said with a laugh, sliding down to his side and slinging an arm and leg over him. He pressed a kiss to his shoulder and sighed. "Thank fuck I won't have to do that anymore."

Chuckling, Ville wrapped his arm round his lover and kissed the top of his head. "It's better be all you do when we're not sharing a bed."

"Ville, I can't believe you'd even say that," Bam gasped quietly. "You think I'd cheat on you when I wouldn't even cheat on Missy with you?"

"No, I just wanted to say it so you know I'm serious."

"Staking your claim?" Bam said softly.

"Yes."

Bam lifted his head and smiled. "Well, just so you know that I'm serious, if you ever cheat on me, I will rip your balls off and make you eat them."

Ville blinked in shock, a combination of warm happiness and fear filling him. Not fear of his lover but a fear of ever hurting the younger man. He'd never been the cheating type and he'd never loved anyone the way he loved Bam so he wasn't worried about that. He was worried about how difficult their relationship was going to get.

"I would never cheat on you Bammie. I want you to know that I'm in this for the long haul, you're it for me, okay?"

Nodding and blinking rapidly, Bam kissed him gently and dropped his head again. "I love you."

"I love you too."

@>*~

After spending the rest of the week mostly in bed, exploring every inch of each other, kissing, cuddling, touching, licking, sucking, fucking and making love, Bam was finally driving him back to L.A. so they'd be back in time for the video shoot.

They'd been reluctant to leave, Ville loved spending time with Bam under any circumstances but being in love and loved in return made it even better and leaving the sanctuary of their little cabin was hard. But real life had to kick in sometime and they needed to talk about that.

"Bam?"

"Yeah?"

"What are we going to do?"

"What do you mean?"

"About us," Ville said softly. "Are we going to tell anyone or are we keeping it a secret?"

"I don't know." Bam glanced at him briefly. "What do you think?"

"We can't keep it a secret from the band."

"Or the guys," Bam added.

"You think they'd be okay with it?"

"I'm not sure they're be surprised actually."

"I was," Ville said softly.

"Yeah but you're blind."

Ville snorted. "True."

"Hey, you know, I'm sorry I hit you."

"That's okay, I'd forgotten you had anyway."

"So had I." Bam smiled ruefully. "I got distracted by you kissing me."

Smiling at the memory, Ville reached over and put his hand on his lover's thigh. "And everything after."

"Oh fuck yes," Bam said, flashing a grin at him.

"Friends and family then?"

"Yeah, that'd be cool, no one else needs to know."

"No, it's private, I love you and I want that to stay ours."

"It will always be ours baby, no matter what, right?"

"No matter what Bammie, I promise."

@>*~

When they walked back into the hotel, the band and Seppo were sitting in the lobby. When they saw them, they all leapt to their feet and Ville bit his lip nervously. Seppo took a step forward when suddenly, Linde grabbed his arm and pulled him back, striding towards them.

"Where the fuck have you been?" he shouted.

Bam grabbed Ville's hand and moved closer to him. "I just, I took him away for a bit, you know, like you said."

"Like I said?" Linde exclaimed. "Are you insane? We've been worried sick. We didn't know what had happened, where you were..."

"I left you a note."

"A note?"

"Yes."

"What fucking note?"

"I left a note in Ville's room."

"This sounds familiar," Ville sighed. "Lily, calm down please?"

"Calm down? You were missing for a week."

"Bam was only trying to help, I needed a break, you know that."

"You couldn't call?"

"There was no signal," Bam said softly, shifting closer to him. Ville put an arm round his waist and hugged him, reaching over to stroke his hair gently. Seppo and the rest of the band moved closer, coming to stand behind Linde.

"Did you make him rest at least?" Migé asked.

"Um... kinda?"

"Kinda?"

Bam looked at him and smiled softly. Ville smiled back.

"We got a lot of exercise."

Bam snorted. "Yeah."

"Exercise? Ville?" Migé snorted disbelievingly.

"Substitue exercise for sex," Burton said quietly.

"What?" the others all exclaimed simultaneously.

"Well look at them, they're actually glowing."

"Have you been fucking?" Linde gasped.

"You could put it that way," Ville said quietly.

"How else would you put it?"

"Making love," Bam said before he could.

"Ah Bammie," Ville murmured, pressing a kiss to his lover's temple.

"Oh my God you have," Linde half laughed and shook his head.

"Is it really such a surprise?" Ville asked.

"That you actually realised?" Burton snorted. "Yes."

"You knew?"

"Yeah."

"And you didn't say anything?"

"It wouldn't have done any good."

"It might have stopped us hurting two girls," Bam said quietly.

"It might have made things worse, Ville you weren't ready," Burton said. "You had to realise on your own."

"What if we'd got married?"

"You never would have."

"How could you be sure?"

"He's right little one," Migé said softly. "You wouldn't have married Jonna and Bam certainly wouldn't have married Missy."

"You think so?" Bam said quietly.

"I know so, it was obvious you were crazy about Ville."

"So you all knew?" Ville exclaimed. "I guess you were right Bam."

"Yeah," Bam snorted. "Blind as a fucking bat."

"This is not good timing," Seppo said.

"We're not coming out publically dude, don't worry," Bam said.

"Boys!" A scream from across the lobby made the turn and Ville smiled as Kat flew towards them. "You're back," she exclaimed. "See guys, I told you you didn't need to worry."

"It's good to see you Kat."

"You too." She hugged them both then stood back and smiled at them. "Oh my God, you finally got it together."

Ville raised an eyebrow. "You knew too?"

"Fuck yeah, it was so obvious."

"So much for not coming out publically," Seppo muttered.

"Kat's not public, she's our friend," Bam said. "And we're not coming out, Element and Adio would freak, not to mention MTV with the new Jackass movie on the way."

"True," Seppo conceded.

"So no one's to know?" Kat asked.

"No one," Ville said firmly.

"That's cool, as long as you're both happy."

"We are."

"You do look better Viltsu," Linde said, smiling at them.

"Thanks, Bam's been making me eat, sleep and stay sober."

"Good boy," Migé laughed.

"And on the subject of sleep, I'd really like to get some today," Ville said.

"I'll give you a wake up call for the shoot," Seppo said.

"Thanks." Ville smiled at his extended family. "We'll see you tomorrow."

Wrapping arms round each other, they walked to the elevators.

"Let's hurry Willa," Bam whispered, almost bodily dragging him into an elevator. "I want your dick in me at least once before I have to go back to my hand for a couple of weeks."

Groin tightening, Ville clung to his lover and nodded. "Definitely Bam and I want you to fuck me too."

"Oh hell yes, I want to watch the new video knowing you're walking funny because of me," Bam said with an evil cackle.

"Mmm," Ville murmured, dropping his head to inhale the scent of shampoo from his lover's hair, "I hope that's a promise."

"Always Ville," Bam whispered.

Ville looked down at him, knowing it was a promise of a lot more and he nodded. "Always for me too Bammie."

end

VamRPS